Please check my writing skills

[Jolie Dame]

Seniors are requested to check if I have the germs for writing on some topic. Do they see any synchronization in my writing and I am looking forward to know my mistakes.

I wrote this (i don't know what I should say it, article or something else) on the topic of the Third gender.

We are all born men and women with our own specific features and characteristics. But let's have a look on the most tarnished face of life and a big time mocking reality that is being a "third" or "distinct" gender. Under a preferably respectful name third gender have attained a little bit of esteem to be considered as human beings in Western countries. As far as South Asia, especially Pakistan is concerned, this living organism has been a symbol of sheer ridicule for the families in which they are born. Inspite of all the educational development and awareness of society, this creature has always been subjugated. How heinous is that, a mother giving birth to such a child would have to give her part of body to the people she would never want to see otherwise. What a level of cruelty that this child would be considered dead, passing whole life between the poor creations of the society, the Hijras or Khawaja Sara. Despite the fact that they can't reproduce, they keep on multiplying by the blessing of the system. Their whole life appears to be a question mark, a question mark on their existence.

We say Allah has created nothing futile or without a purpose, then what purpose a third gender may have, is still unanswered. It is a huge slap on the face of this highly literate and knowledgeable society. They open their eyes in such a downtrodden environment that snatches from them the whole meaning of their lives. They are not born with those signature styles or trademark claps; they learn them from the place they have spent years and years. It is normally felt that they are emotionless and lack any ability to understand, that is merely an absurd thinking because they might be physically unfit but possess all the mental capabilities like anybody else. With the perpetual practice they just try to ignore all the satire and blatant mocking because this is all they are left with pertaining to the fact of being "unacceptable creatures". They are not welcomed in the educational institutions and when in a hospital, doctors don't know where to admit them either a male or a female ward. They are rapped, beaten and robbed. Frightened of the society they choose to live a lonely life with their clans, and in their bewilderness they are also getting involved in unacceptable social activities particularly prostitution. And one should not be ignorant of the fact that trend of pretending to be Hijras in men is in rampant progress for easy begging.

This whole scenario could have been different if they were given some rights and considered human beings. They could have got education, live with their families, had fun with their sisters and brothers and earn a clean livelihood instead of this detriment and unwieldiness of dancing in the functions and begging on the roads to fulfill the hunger. Even the Ulema don't seem to be saying anything regarding the matter of hermaphrodites, as if they don't exist, despite the Ulema's staunch advocacy of "Justice for all". In case somebody doesn't know our religion has ordered to treat them according to their apparent traits of either male or a female.

In the year 2009, for the first time in the history of Pakistan, Justice Iftikhar Muhammad Chaudhary took a formidable action of identifying this gender as the citizens of Pakistan through the National Database and Registration Authority which is indeed a good step towards the amelioration of these people. It is an imperative issue to take actions for molding the society's behavior positively towards the transgenders and bring them out of despondency. We owe them same respect as any other human being instead of contemptuousness. It is a precarious task to change the pretty resistant attitudes and long learned behaviors especially against the people who are a little bit "different" from the normality. But still there is a hope that future will deal with the adversity and deplorable conditions of distinct genders which will relinquish them from all the hatred and anguish. All that is required is public awareness on the matter, their brought up by their own families, providing them with equal educational and employment opportunities and gradually removing the impediments and intolerance in their way of living a normal socio-economic life. Your little contributions towards awareness can bring them to life and their treatment as humans.

Deboya mujh ko hune ne,
Na huta main tu kya huta..!!

[The Shah Ends]

I am not a senior but still i will point out what i feel to be amended or improved...
First of all you should have written it in an Essat format, in the end you mixed the last para with the conclusion, you could have written two paras instead..
Secondly the last para has lost its cohesiveness with the second last para, i think you could write the first sentence like this... According to the principles of Islam we should devise certain laws to give the ''third gender'' their rights they deserve. As in 2009 Chief Justice Iftikhar........ and so on like what you have written...... and then in the end a conclusion para separately......
Overall your effort is really good, you have used good vocabulary, but be sure that you use them rightly, else you should never go to flower your para with difficult and new words....
Sorry i criticized a lot... but it was just to help you improve your next attempt... on the whole, it was quite knowledgeable and interesting... Good effort indeed..
Now wait for the seniors to comment... thet would help you even better..
Keep practising... Good luck

[Durrani Abid]

Originally Posted by Jolie Dame

Seniors are requested to check if I have the germs for writing on some topic. Do they see any synchronization in my writing and I am looking forward to know my mistakes.

I wrote this (i don't know what I should say it, article or something else) on the topic of the Third gender.

We are all born men and women with our own specific features and characteristics. But let's have a look on the most tarnished face of life and a big time mocking reality that is being a "third" or "distinct" gender. Under a preferably respectful name third gender have attained a little bit of esteem to be considered as human beings in Western countries. As far as South Asia, especially Pakistan is concerned, this living organism has been a symbol of sheer ridicule for the families in which they are born. Inspite of all the educational development and awareness of society, this creature has always been subjugated. How heinous is that, a mother giving birth to such a child would have to give her part of body to the people she would never want to see otherwise. What a level of cruelty that this child would be considered dead, passing whole life between the poor creations of the society, the Hijras or Khawaja Sara. Despite the fact that they can't reproduce, they keep on multiplying by the blessing of the system. Their whole life appears to be a question mark, a question mark on their existence.

We say Allah has created nothing futile or without a purpose, then what purpose a third gender may have, is still unanswered. It is a huge slap on the face of this highly literate and knowledgeable society. They open their eyes in such a downtrodden environment that snatches from them the whole meaning of their lives. They are not born with those signature styles or trademark claps; they learn them from the place they have spent years and years. It is normally felt that they are emotionless and lack any ability to understand, that is merely an absurd thinking because they might be physically unfit but possess all the mental capabilities like anybody else. With the perpetual practice they just try to ignore all the satire and blatant mocking because this is all they are left with pertaining to the fact of being "unacceptable creatures". They are not welcomed in the educational institutions and when in a hospital, doctors don't know where to admit them either a male or a female ward. They are rapped, beaten and robbed. Frightened of the society they choose to live a lonely life with their clans, and in their bewilderness they are also getting involved in unacceptable social activities particularly prostitution. And one should not be ignorant of the fact that trend of pretending to be Hijras in men is in rampant progress for easy begging.

This whole scenario could have been different if they were given some rights and considered human beings. They could have got education, live with their families, had fun with their sisters and brothers and earn a clean livelihood instead of this detriment and unwieldiness of dancing in the functions and begging on the roads to fulfill the hunger. Even the Ulema don't seem to be saying anything regarding the matter of hermaphrodites, as if they don't exist, despite the Ulema's staunch advocacy of "Justice for all". In case somebody doesn't know our religion has ordered to treat them according to their apparent traits of either male or a female.

In the year 2009, for the first time in the history of Pakistan, Justice Iftikhar Muhammad Chaudhary took a formidable action of identifying this gender as the citizens of Pakistan through the National Database and Registration Authority which is indeed a good step towards the amelioration of these people. It is an imperative issue to take actions for molding the society's behavior positively towards the transgenders and bring them out of despondency. We owe them same respect as any other human being instead of contemptuousness. It is a precarious task to change the pretty resistant attitudes and long learned behaviors especially against the people who are a little bit "different" from the normality. But still there is a hope that future will deal with the adversity and deplorable conditions of distinct genders which will relinquish them from all the hatred and anguish. All that is required is public awareness on the matter, their brought up by their own families, providing them with equal educational and employment opportunities and gradually removing the impediments and intolerance in their way of living a normal socio-economic life. Your little contributions towards awareness can bring them to life and their treatment as humans.

Deboya mujh ko hune ne,
Na huta main tu kya huta..!!

When have you written it?

[Buddha]

It's a well written piece, but it is also a bit insensitive. For example, you could have called them human beings instead of living organisms. Actually there was also a grammar mistake in that sentence as well, "this living organism has been a symbol of sheer ridicule for the families in which they are born" which should have been: "this living organism has been a symbol of sheer ridicule for the family in which he/she is born". And there is a slight misuse of vocabulary, you could have said 'impressive action' instead of 'formidable action', just check out connotations of words before using them.

[Jolie Dame]

Originally Posted by Durrani Abid

When have you written it?

It has been quite some time now. Why?

Originally Posted by The Shah Ends

I am not a senior but still i will point out what i feel to be amended or improved...
First of all you should have written it in an Essat format, in the end you mixed the last para with the conclusion, you could have written two paras instead..
Secondly the last para has lost its cohesiveness with the second last para, i think you could write the first sentence like this... According to the principles of Islam we should devise certain laws to give the ''third gender'' their rights they deserve. As in 2009 Chief Justice Iftikhar........ and so on like what you have written...... and then in the end a conclusion para separately......
Overall your effort is really good, you have used good vocabulary, but be sure that you use them rightly, else you should never go to flower your para with difficult and new words....
Sorry i criticized a lot... but it was just to help you improve your next attempt... on the whole, it was quite knowledgeable and interesting... Good effort indeed..
Now wait for the seniors to comment... thet would help you even better..
Keep practising... Good luck

Thank you very much for your feedback. I will keep these suggestions in mind next time.

Originally Posted by Buddha of Suburbia

It's a well written piece, but it is also a bit insensitive. For example, you could have called them human beings instead of living organisms. Actually there was also a grammar mistake in that sentence as well, "this living organism has been a symbol of sheer ridicule for the families in which they are born" which should have been: "this living organism has been a symbol of sheer ridicule for the family in which he/she is born". And there is a slight misuse of vocabulary, you could have said 'impressive action' instead of 'formidable action', just check out connotations of words before using them.

I used the word living organisms sarcastically, as we don't think them more than this. If I intend to use any word in this way should I use inverted commas for this? For example this "living organism" has been a symbol of........??

Thanks a lot for pointing out my mistakes.

[Buddha]

From what I'm guessing you're translating the Urdu word 'jaandaar' into English -Tell me if I'm wrong- which makes a perfect pitiable word in Urdu. In English it sounds misplaced. You could have simply said "these living beings . . ."
Inverted commas are used for emphasis, and that emphasis could be sarcastic as well.

[Silicon Battery]

I,m new member but i think this sentence is not correct. (How heinous is that, a mother giving birth to such a child would have to give her part of body to the people she would never want to see otherwise.)

i can't undersatnd this sentence,can u clear this sentence to me ?

[Jolie Dame]

Originally Posted by Silicon Battery

I,m new member but i think this sentence is not correct. (How heinous is that, a mother giving birth to such a child would have to give her part of body to the people she would never want to see otherwise.)

i can't undersatnd this sentence,can u clear this sentence to me ?

It is actually referring to the tradition of giving such babies to the clans of this gender rather than bringing them up in their original families as it is a source of dishonor.

[uzma hafeez]

Write short sentences....the shorter the sentence the lesser the chances of error.....do not use flowery language....as my teacher told me:
"All words are equal in english language and a complicated word is not superior to an easy one."
I am telling you this because I made the same mistakes initially but then my teahcer guided me....good luck

[syedaliuzair]

What you wrote is what happens.
People may accuse of using strong words but a lot stronger words are said to them and it can be seen everywhere.

respect.