Across the graveyard, a wind flays…1406-2k11

[saadat tahir]

(baad’e samoom... wo tazeeana ik lehad ka …)

Just wanted to buy Aasma a doll!
If possible for Haider a plastic ball!
from village back’ome, I shied a call.
Heer so wants a colorful shawl.

Suffering days for a better deal.
Barely keep life on an even keel.
Gave up wishing for lamb or veal.
Hardly the bills or our meters seal.

Pennies coughed up through our nose,
blossom on our rags as bloody rose.
Who will be willing for asking those,
who bleed us white and hunker close.

Maan’s in hospital so many days,
I slog the corridors! Weary ways!
Across the graveyard a wind now flays,
by the mound where Father lays,

That everyday I trudge teary eyed.
Wandering! Why? My life has lied.
With my desires my heart too died,
to a desolate breath it still is tied.

original
saadat tahir
14 June, 2k11

Glossary:
Aasma… common Pakistani name for girls.
Haider… common Pakistani name for boys.
Heer … proverbial folk lore name for a young lady.
Maan … common noun, mother…here Motherland.
Father… common noun, here Quaid e Azam…father of the nation.

(baad’e samoom... wo tazeeana ik lehad ka …)
Urdu transliteration of the title.

[chemguy]

You have some great potential! I remember reading a poetry book in which the author said that one of the key skills in poetry is to show the readers the way you see - You have nailed it

A few things:
1) I don't know whether it's me, but the rhyming scheme:

A
A
A
A

B
B
B
B

Is kinda annoying. Check out this list : Rhyme scheme - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

2) Don't use too many exclamation marks.

BTW awesome vocabulary :P

[saadat tahir]

the let and pull, flip flop, between
potential and kinetic stuff has always intrigued me. ...

your input......kind, incisive and spot on.....i am indebted and honored by the attention and time....sweet o ya.
i fully agree, the rhyming sequence is a bit overwhelming , maybe jarring....i like to experiment with many types of rhyme...
i have posted only a fraction of my poetry here, being a recent member of this forum....in due course more to come insha Allah....your input will be invaluable and welcome, always.

the exclamations here were for special effect encasing a wider meaning not just restricted to this poem....i am sure it would not escape you..

blessed be
sat to pals