Quote:
Originally Posted by darwaesh
Thank you for your valuable time, I have reattempted the same topic in a different style. I tried much to follow your advice but failed to create any logical scene. Here is another introduction, kindly check whether it is improving or not.
"Democracy is the best revenge" said Mohtarma Benazir Bhutto (Ex- Prime Minister of Pakistan). There are many different evils in societies around the globe. Many of those are directly related to politics and economics. These problems have no concrete solutions except the solutions provided by democracy. Democracy is a system which ensures maximum participation of common citizens in the matters of state. It is considered one of the best forms of government in most developed societies. Those countries which follow democracy in its true sense have gained much benefits from it. On the other hand, there are countries which never adopted democracy, face either political and (or) economic problems. Moreover, repetitive military intervention in politics of Pakistan never allowed flourishing of democracy therefore, there are innumerable political and economic evils in Pakistan.
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Most definitely an improvement. The only way to get better at writing is to continue writing. There are no shortcuts there. To help you develop a logical sequence to your paragraphs let me give you a little trick; ask questions.
For example let's start with your second line-
there are many different evils in societies around the globe. the question that immediately springs to mind is
what kind of evils? You have answered that in the very next line so that is good logical flow.
Many of those are directly related to politics and economics. the next question that comes to mind is
has anyone done anything to solve these? You've answered that as well
These problems have no concrete solutions except the solutions provided by democracy. then the logical next questions are-
has mankind really tried other solutions and failed? Why would democracy work? What's so special about it? What is democracy anyway? You have answered the last question but have missed the others hence the flow of the paragraph gets broken and you feel like you are going over a speed breaker while reading. Am I making much sense? Tell me if I'm not I'll try to explain it a different way.
Keep practicing using this technique and I'm sure it'll become easier. Adding the quote in the beginning doesn't add much. You could definitely sneak it into the paragraph itself somewhere but putting it right in the beginning raises other questions like
What is democracy a revenge against? That isn't really relevant to the discussion.