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the problem is how i can move towards something better.what should be my first step towards betterment.
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Dear, please don't give up practice, keep it up, it is the only way to get success. Moreover, start reading essays/newspaper articles on a variety of subjects in the following way:
1: Look at the subject /topic and make an outline of your own and then write according to it
2: Read the available essay very carefully
3: Then compare that with the one you have written, note the differences in the flow of essay, the details of subject matter given by the writer, the way he puts the punch line at the apt place
4: Then write it again as if you have to start from the scratch
I am hopeful that if you follow this practice for a number of essays you will observe a significant improvement in your essay writing skills. Besides, reading newspapers/ articles will help you in learning different writing styles/ logical flow of material and it will enhance your knowledge on a variety of subjects.
Though it's a tedious task but after reviewing your first essay I think it is very likely that if you practice in this way you will get your desired results.