Quote:
Originally Posted by Innocent Hafeez
M opinion:
Your outline and intro are really good. But, i think before point 2 you should define education first and some more points can be added here. Also in intro:
However, the currently rotten education system does not forecast any prospects of a bright future and it requires radical changes at policy and implementation levels.There is no denying that only education can shift foundations of Pakistani economy to knowledge and alleviate poverty. Furthermore, true democracy, gender equality and national integration can only be ensured through education
This part of your intro is in disorder. Bring however sentence at the place of nevertheless to highlight prevailing problems. Rest is fine, others will comment further.
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Sir, thank you very much for your valuable feedback.
1- You have recommended to define "education" in outlines. Please will you elaborate this point that how it can be defined or how one can frame this one liner.
2- I, myself, note this disruption in my introduction. I have written introduction on pattern as general beginning followed by thesis statement, glimpses of outlines and then endorsement of thesis statement. My thesis stament is, "The socio-economic and political future of Pakistan lies in skill,enlightening and transformative education of its masses. However, the currently rotten education system does not forecast any prospects of a bright future and it requires radical changes at policy and implementation levels."
3- According to your suggested order, thesis statement will be at two places in introduction.
i- "The socio-economic and political future of Pakistan lies in skill,enlightening and transformative education of its masses." It will be followed by glimpses of outlines where it has been urged how future of Pakistan lies in education.
ii- "However, the currently rotten education system does not forecast any prospects of a bright future and it requires radical changes at policy and implementation levels." This part will be followed by summary of outlines where problems and their remedies have been mentioned.
By doing this, thesis statement of my essay will be at two different places in introduction. Is this ok, sir?
Looking forward for a detail guidance.
Thanks in advance!
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