The examiner will give you less than 40 marks for this attempt. So you've failed this attempt. The question statement of this essay is "Climate change is the biggest threat to Pakistan". The question prompt for this essay is "of all the threats facing Pakistan, list the REASONS YOU think CLIMATE CHANGE is the BIGGEST of them all". In no shape or form, does the question ask you for "Drivers" and "Combat" talking points of Climate change. Failing to distinguish between the question and the question prompt, is the biggest reason why candidates fail.

You only need to write 8 to 15 talking points under "2. Climate change: a real threat to Pakistan". That is it. No Drivers No Combat points. Just threat points.

3.2 and 3.3 are the same
3.5 to 3.7 is grammatically incorrect
3.8 to 3.9 are sentence structure wise uneven

Last point, no need to write complete sentences or large phrases in outline. Stick to 2-3 words or small phrase not more than 8 words. If you can do all of this, then you can score 40 or 45 marks on your current level of Written English ability. This is more than enough for CSS candidates. You know alot about this issue, you just needed push in the right direction.

PS. The thesis statement is correct but it doesnt relate to your points mentioned below it.

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