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Originally Posted by Adil Memon
Dr. Atif,
I hope you are doing well. Dr. Hassan and AFRMS have done the job to a large extent. I will only add.
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I am fine .Yes, they have virtually helped me a lot.
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Originally Posted by Adil Memon
My suggestions:
Sentence 1: It is over stuffed. Reduce some commas or split the sentence. Besides, I would prefer 'illness' and 'death' over 'illnesses' and 'deaths'. Don't ask me the rules. I don't know them. All this comes from inside. |
Agreed.
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Sentence 3: Advancing medical sciences ARE. Apart from that, I don't like the idea of medical sciences TRYING to find out things. This credit must be attributed to human beings, not sciences.
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agreed.
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Sentence 4: In future... generations to come... This seems redundant. You could have eliminated the words 'in future'. The dot of 'i' in diseases is missing. And I would suggest addition of the word 'only' in the end.
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agreed
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Sentence 5: It could have been further shortened as: "We can only progress by preventing wars". You left many such opportunities above as well. Do you agree?
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yes, I agree
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Sentence 6: Remove 'because' or use it as a conjunction to join it with the preceding sentence. 'Hardwork' is incorrect.
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agree
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These are just minor mistakes I pointed out in your written English expression. Obviously, many other mistakes have been pointed out by Dr. Hassan and AFRMS, which you must take very seriously.
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I am taking them seriously.In the subsequent precis, I will keep them in my mind.
I have made a new one in a precis that I am posting along with this post after considering all the points that all of you told me .
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You left many opportunities to precise more. You could have easily made it to the word limit but you failed. And I did not like your hand writing much. Though it is legible, it is not attractive.
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Yes I agree.I need tips to improve hand writing
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You overwrote twice in 150 words which means you'll overwrite 40 times in an essay of 3000 words. It will look very odd.
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Yes its problem with me that I expand the things rather than condensing and concising.I hope , I will overcome my this shortcomming.
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In case you have any further queries, you are most welcome.
Regards,
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Insha Allah and thanks
Here I am posting my precis after some changes.
