@acme

Brother a very good passage. In my view you have expanded your idea very well, with the exception of making it to three paragraphs. So be concise. Simple formula of Introduction + Examples + Conclusion will work and it requires a bit of practice to sum all in one paragraph.

If I were the examiner, I will straight away cut 2 marks for additional 2 paragraphs and one for the aforementioned spelling mistake, so 7/10. (Given you the rationale of giving marks ).

Regards