AoA,

Please have a quick look of the below expansion, suggest me some tips and mark it b/w 1 to 10.

Thanks in advance



Long and laborious journey of success is accompanied by a lot of sufferings of the path, countless pains of the organs, blistering memories of the dangling thoughts, much trouble of the travelling seasons and ample sacrifices of the dear ones. Success is a landmark, is a milestone that is only achieved with share hard work, firm dedication, steady persistence, and unflinching passion. Successful life demands struggle, struggle with constant devotion. Destination only welcomes those who face the lashing winds of the time, keep the heads always high and crush the very impediments of the path with iron hands. Life applauds the winners and scolds the quitters. Short paced success is short lived. Only untiring hard work and passion wins permanent success.

The pages of history are evident of the success winners of their times. Prophet Muhammad (SAW) traversed a long and thorny way to spread the message of Allah to the mankind. He struggled hard but neither suspended his mission nor looked for an easy way out. And success gave him a standing ovation among the heavy odds of his life. Everlasting success of our homeland reminds us the struggling years of our past. Our forefathers laid their lives to earn the dignity of freedom. French proverb rightly projects, “Rome was not built in a day”. Our motherland is the result of long and untiring efforts with painful facts and figures. Science is walking on the tiled road of success that belongs to the scientists like Newton, Fleming, Addison, Einstein, etc. These people faced the real miseries of their lives but did not quit their race for success. They are still alive in the hearts of human beings because of their work. Contemporaries like Nelson Mandela, Mahathir Muhammad, and Bill Gates are the true examples of those who carved their success with the hammer of firmness and consistency.

One must channelize all his vigor and strength to materialize his goals and dreams. The more difficulties he faces, the stronger he becomes. His capacity to come out of the difficult situation makes him stand out of the crowd. One must chalk out his plan better sooner than later if at all he wants to be successful. Success brings respect, dignity and honor but only for those who believe in their passion and resolve. Abraham Lincoln lays stress, “Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other.”


Regards,
Ali

@acme
This time you have really improved, keeping in mind your first attempt, this time the sentences and words were well chosen, all the ideas were synchronised, and last but definitely not the least is that you have given relevant examples also.
There is a slight mistake which i found out while reading this paragraph, may be its a typo you know but still you should be extra careful with spellings in this paper.
the correct word (or in case of a typo, the correct spelling is) Sheer.

Rest is Alhamdulillah, very much improved....
The secret of Precis and comprehension paper does not lie in the fact that one should study soooo many books, but one should practice, and this makes him perfect, or near to perfection.
Very good effort acme, keep it up!!!
I am not that benevolent in giving out marks , but still i'll give you 6 out of 10.
There is always room for improvement.
Regards,

__________________
__________________________________
nahin nigah main manzil to justaju hi sahi
nahin wisaal mayassar to arzu hi sahi

@Nonchalant

so nice of you for this appreciation.

Its all because of you people are so nice in guiding towards the right lines.

Yes its a typo error, actual word is sheer.

I do agree with you that the writing practice makes the things better and better.

Thanks again.

I hope you will keep me guiding in the upcoming days also.

And wish you best of luck for your future ambitions.


Regards,

Ali

__________________
Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action. ( Benjamin Disraeli )

@ Ali

Good work Dear Keep ot up .I am giving you in my point of view 7.5 out of 10.

May Allah Bless you.

Regards.

__________________
Always do what you are afraid to do
Saqib Riaz(TIPO KHAN)

@ Acme,

very nice ! I give you 9.5

__________________
كُلُّ نَفْسٍ ذَآئِقَةُ الْمَوْتِ - Every Soul Must Have The Taste Of Death

@Acme

Honestly speaking your expansion deserves 10/10 but there is always a room for improvement so I would assign you 9.99

__________________
Assistant Security Officer- BS-16
Ministry Of Defence, GHQ.

First, you have not developed your supporting example well; making only passing references wont fetch you good marks. Second, your first paragraph repeats the same information again and again, only in different words. Third, there are some basic mistakes- for example, 'with share hard work'. I think it should be sheer hard work. I would give you 4.5-5 out of 10.

one thing my teacher told me, you are not supposed to make paragraphs in expansion.

good work 7/10

regards
waqarj

@isamuhammad

let me answer your queries.

Dear, i think i have used the relevant examples to support the theme. your objection to the examples supports that our freedom struggle was a short cut, our Holy Prophet (PBUH) chose the short cut path (God forbid) and you see the lives of Newton, Fleming, Addison, Einstein, Nelson Mandela, Mahathir Muhammad, and Bill Gates as the outcome of short cut. i totally disagree with you at this point.

Dear, i think i was writing about the topic "There is no short-cut to success". And i have tried to elaborate the theme in my best way.

Dear, here you are right. But it was a typo error which was already pointed out by the senior member Nonchalant and i had accepted that the actual word was sheer not share.

By the way, thanks for your evaluation. Hope that i have answered the queries.

Dear, let other members and me see your effort on this topic.

Nothing personal at my end. And sorry, if anything went wrong.

@waqarj

Dear, thanks for your remarks as well.



Regards
Ali

__________________
Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action. ( Benjamin Disraeli )

@acme

Brother a very good passage. In my view you have expanded your idea very well, with the exception of making it to three paragraphs. So be concise. Simple formula of Introduction + Examples + Conclusion will work and it requires a bit of practice to sum all in one paragraph.

If I were the examiner, I will straight away cut 2 marks for additional 2 paragraphs and one for the aforementioned spelling mistake, so 7/10. (Given you the rationale of giving marks ).

Regards