1st. you have to work hard on your outline.Introducation should be first paragraph of ur essay with logic starting.Try to keep small sentences and clauses in writing essay.
2nd, some grammitcal mistakes have identified like which is used instead of "that".
3rd. Try to be proactive and poistive about your country even in a failur situation. you should show your bright expectations regarding this world phenomena in the essay.
4th.
There have been many factors that became causes to extremism since independence This line is full of ambiguity. which independence? reader dont know anything...u r telling him.
5th.spells which have participated ...(spells that have participated) is better or u can add , with which.
6th.The interpretation of Ulemas has disturbed the harmony in which Islam was being taught, observed, preached, and learnt. is line ke samajh he nahi lag rahi..which interpretation?
7th.The concurrent list has yet to be abolished due to which its is reluctant to be seen any provincial autonomy. again structure mistake...
8th, you used passive sentences too much.
9th.Your conculsion is not up to the mark.The reason is in the last prargraph should me nutshell of your all discussion. and dont leave end of your essay in tag questions.
10th. Recommendations are missing.
The best thing of ur essay it is good first attempt. and second thing u mention quotations in your essay...but still need comprehensive approach towards essay writing..
Regards!!!
sorry ager koi baat buri lagi hu...
