hmm... newbie here. i see some experienced folk giving their point of view regarding your essay. Some observations and suggestions are spot on. I have 2 points in mind.

1. I really think that the quality of language is good but the content is tangential to what is desired by the examiner.

2. Do include quotes but don't stereotype the essay, try to innovate a little. throw in quotes where you want to assert a point of view. Strike a balance, don't overdo the quotes (equally bad as their dearth).

This is purely a personal opinion and no offense to the senior members.