1. There are some grammatical mistakes, try to over-come them by practicing more and more.
2. In the very beginning of the paragraph define the meaning of the chosen topic in clear but to the point wording.
3. Try to explain the topic by giving an example from daily life and do not rely only on quotations and proverbs.
4. Define the topic according to your own mental approach rather writing traditional sentences, other-wise the examiner will not reward you good marks
5. Your effort is appreciable however do more practice to have some sufficient grip.

Hope you will take it seriously and positively.
Best of luck!

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Those who wait they get. (Own Creation)