I am no faculty in expansion. I have just tried to check your expansion to the best of my knowledge. Hope it will be helpful.
Is democracy is possible in third world countries (
Use helping verb one time in the sentence--Is democracy possible in third world countries?)
Democracy is possible in third world countries if administration of
a state
works according to
the rule of law,
avoids personalization of politics,
restrains dictatorial rule,
with a media free from political pressure and
ensures equal distribution of rights. When
a state works on democratic grounds nothing can stop
(to a third world country) it (to become) from becoming a democratic state.
Personalization of politics by elites is a basic hindrance in the way
(of) to democracy. India being second largest democracy in the world
(weak structure, Better to write, India is the second largest democracy in the world) gives equal right
(of) to vote even to its lowest
caste. But Ghandhis and Nehrus hold the political ground. Pakistan
faces the same problem with political domination of Bhuttos, memons, chuadharys. Bandaranaik, a politically prominent family of Srilanka is another example of personalization
(personalization??) of politics.
Dictatorial ruler impedes democracy in third world countries.Four times enforcement of martial Law had caused failure of pure democracy in Pakistan.
(Was that the only reason? Better to say, Martial laws were one of the major hurdle in the way to democracy in Pakistan) Poeple are getting aware of their rights day by day. They want democratic government for their states. For instance, After countrywide revolts in Nepal, abolishment of 240 year old king system had converted Nepal into a republic
(weak sentence structure. Countrywide revolt had abolished 240 year old monarchy in Nepal) .
(paragraph structure is very weak. A good paragraph should deliver only one idea.)
Democracy does not prevail
(when western nations interfere) because of western nations interference in administration of third world countries. They set their puppets in developing countries to fulfill their own interest. Independence of judiciary and
media free from all crisis (crisis free media)
helps (
help) democracy to establish. Democratic incompetency must be
tackled by accountability of administrative machinery of state. Hence third world countries can
(experience) have democracy without any doubt.(
weak sentence. Hence we can claim without any doubt that third world countries can have democracy)
Overall, good attempt
In fact the most important thing is you finally attempted. Keep on trying. Good Luck...