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Originally Posted by secondopinion02
RED = mistakes
BLUE = ADDITIONs
BOLD = COMMENTS
Now, come to the analysis of your suggested precis
There are two possibilities of celebrating great man’s birthday; one by making monument and putting it at height and other is to peep into his life as human and take inspiration to eye with life. MISTAKE OF "PARALLEL STRUCTURE". IT SHOULD BE "to peep into his life as human and to take inspiration with an eye to his life" (NOTE: "with an eye to something" means having something as a purpose or objective) Jinnah should be appreciated as a model man AWKWARD PHRASE; IT SHOULD BE "an ideal" by separating him from leadership rather than seeing him as sculpture of greatness that is hanged high for momentary admiration without any inspiration and action. Jinnah also owes shortcomings to share human nature THE PHRASE GIVES MEANING THAT JINNAH'S NATURE IS NOT OF HUMAN. ORIGINAL PASSAGE CLEARLY STATES THAT "he had his human failings, his errors of judgment and all the rest, like any other man." but it does not lessen his perception. His greatness lies in the paramount principles that lead him to live a life with no compromise and thought provoking inspiration for upcoming generations. AGAIN MISTAKE OF "PARALLEL STRUCTURE". "THOUGHT" IS NOT PARALLEL WITH "LEAD".
Jinnah’s independence campaign taught lesson of courage and sublime faith for standing against those who are were barrier to the cause. He poured new life by showing the importance of will power for achieving a cause. Jinnah’s trust on man realized his dream into reality. SENTENCE IS "ILLOGICAL" BY USING "man". IT SEEMS JINNAH WAS ITSELF NOT A MAN OR HE RELIED THE WHOLE HUMANITY IF WE TAKE MAN FOR ALL HUMAN BEINGS He introduced concept of Unity to give equal opportunities to all and his followers hold HELD this message efficiently. AGAIN "UNPARALLEL SENTENCE" BECAUSE YOU HAVE USED PAST TENSE "TAUGHT" IN THE FIRST CLAUSE BUT "HOLD" IN THE SECOND. MOREOVER, SOMETHING CANNOT BE HELD "EFFICIENTLY", BUT CAN BE DONE "EFFICIENTLY". HERE YOU SHOULD USE "ENTHUSIASTICALLY OR FERVENTLY OR ARDENTLY"
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Thanks for the disection of the precis. I started it after 6 month so there was a need to give me a push that is given by you. When I started this thread again the purpose was to continue my thread but now will work for it in real sense. So here goes my comments.
Your first suggestion about mistake:
As per your say we use figurative language and when I have said to eye with life it means to face the problems of life.
You have given logic to your suggestion that is not matching to my concept.
I hope it will clear the concept for using combination
“to eye with life”.
2nd Suggestion: I am agreed to your suggestion that “an ideal” is more suitable then model man so thanks for your kind suggestion.
3rd Suggestion: At some place we can use rather without adding than and I have read it as well but if you are sure that rather can’t be use without than it would be your favour to confirm this for my correction.
4th Suggestion: Here u r again raising the point that is not valid. While I m saying that to share human nature. It means although he is considered very high but he also has human failings like any other man (its very nature of humans to commit mistakes well known saying is “to err is human” it the meaning of share human nature is the same that he also has human flaws)
Jinnah also owes shortcomings to share human nature but it does not lesson his perception. As per my knowledge there is no problem with the structure of the sentence.
5th Suggestion: addition of “a” is really need of the sentence.
6th Suggestion:
In the paragraph it is clearly said, “He was always, and must always be, a disturbing man, who tries to shake us out of our complacency”
If you are getting the meaning of it then you will realize that use of phrasal combination (thought provoking) is not a wrong expression.
7th Suggestion: I do accept my mistake of using word efficiently that is out of place.
Quote:
OVERVIEW OF YOUR SUGGESTED PRECIS
* There are total 8 big sentences in your precis, out of which 4 sentences start with "Jinnah"; 2 with "he"; 1 with "his". Doesn't it seem dull or monotonous to repeat many sentences starting with same words.
* There is no "transition" words or phrases; therefore, your precis is not cohesive.
* Use of word "inspiration" too many times.
* So many "parallel structure" mistakes.
Thanks with an apology if you disliked my rejoinder...
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No I really like it caz your overview is exactly as I have written it. Definately if I m optimist I will accept it as you have said but being a human I would like to give only one justification that I made precis seperately and then joined it without giving it second reading. So its my mistake but in future I would be more then careful caz i know that a person like secondopinion is also reading it. Thanks once again for pointing out the mistakes I had committed.
I will add new passage Inshahallah tomorrow.