Dear Tahir,

very nice attempt. Yet there is room for much more. Your use of vocabulary is impressive, but the examiner might not really get entangled into the exercise of decoding this wordiness. You know what, read your essay through, word-by-word, and I am sure you'll fail. It's very heavy. Focus more on the argument. Besides, you might not be able to reproduce this french in the exam conditions. Keep things simpler. An essay that you can manipulate according to the needs of the question. And yes, you need to work somewhat on grammar.

Best!