Quote:
Originally Posted by Cogito Ergo Sum
Safeer, the core of your outline is very good. I like how you set out to explain the phenomenon at many different levels moving from macro to micro. Here are some of the points I would like you to consider:-
1) You can find much better examples than the ones you used. The ones you chose are correct too, but they appear a bit complicated (judging from the outline alone) and seem to have taken you off-topic along the way. This is especially true about the second category (where you explain the idea at state level). Instead of stretching one point and just mentioning Pakistan as an example at the state level, you can shorten the length of the given arguments (that would also make them appear a bit less complicated), and add the examples of Japan (how it rose from the ashes after atomic bombs and WW2) and other countries like that.
2) You could add a great deal of variety for the last category. Prophet Muhammad (saw), Nelson Mandela, Helen Keller and countless other success stories like these. The point is to not stretch just one example, and use short, crispy arguments with multiple examples to increase chances of getting a higher score.
Next time, also share your introductory paragraph. That would help us guide you in a much better way. And keep practicing, you have potential!
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Thank you so much for the appreciation and the guidance. May Allah bless you with exceptional success and achievement.
I've noted the points you raised, and I'll try not to complicate things from now on.
However, as far as the rise of Japan is concerned, I think that doesn't fit into this topic. Although, she face alot of devastation and somehow managed to reemerge as a well developed nation, but did she used any of lemons in the recipe of her success? I think not!
And I know too little about Nelson Mandela and others to be able to quote their examples. All of the content I wrote is solely from my previously held knowledge. Since I plan to write on such kind of essay in the exam, I will try to learn about these personalities.
As you suggested me to write introduction as well, here is another essay with outline, thesis statement and the introduction.
I'm confused about the thesis statement. Considering the way I write outline, how should I write the thesis statement? Would you please take the pain of writing thesis for these two essays!
Another important thing, did you take any coaching class for English? Would you recommend me to find a permanent mentor?
Many thanks, seriously!
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