Seniors please check my introduction on disaster management
 

It was a serene morning. The people were following their normal routine unaware of the impending doom. Suddenly, the earth started shaking. The forceful tremors baffled everyone and no one knew what to do. The lethal jolts were increasing in intensity. And as they came to a halt so did the life! Within seconds, everything was devastated. There was wreckage everywhere. Thousands were dead, all the structures fell to the ground and there was no one to help. It felt like the end of times was here. But then as the news of the catastrophe spread, gradually the saviours started coming to rescue. The question here arises that when will we as a nation learn disaster management? It’s not a secret anymore that Pakistan is vulnerable to natural disasters. The hapless nations loses hundreds of precious lives and millions of rupees to the natural disasters every year. Yet the frequent earthquakes and the annual floods always catch us off guard. Only because our level of preparedness is miserable. The institutions created to deal with natural disasters are at loss. They not only lack the administrative capability but also the funds to deal with the humungous task at hand. Moreover, the colossal loss of life and property even after working out national strategies are the proof of ineffectiveness of these strategies. Thereby, it is indispensable to reform the national strategy. We will have to learn to work with nature rather than fighting against it like China did. We will have to abandon futile measures like constructing embankments and dikes. Instead, we should adopt sagacious initiatives like planting trees, relocating our population and stop polluting the Mother Nature. In short, it’s an irrefutable fact that Pakistan is susceptible to the natural disasters. So if we want to erect an effective defence, an alternative and more holistic approach is an indispensable requirement.

also can i start my essay with a scene like i started this one? or is it informal?

Great endevour dear, yes you can attempt like this, at my part I liked it. Although no one knows about the checker whether he would like it or not, yet it is a good write up.

Let me articulate it in my way:

Global earth is too susceptible to natural disasters. Neither elite, poor, nor any of the shrine could weed out earthquakes, tsunamis and cyclones. None area of the world probably be free from such catastrophic disasters irrespective of some areas which are likely less confronted with the intense disasters. Pakistan is one of the most funny and devastated countries in the world, that has been adversely affected due to the natural disasters by the inordinate measures taken. Recent earthquake of Pakistan is a case in point that has done tremendous damage to us and it would not likely be dissipated to do more devastation unless we we take it into account. Though natural calamities and unwanted economic loss could not be pull out, it can be shrunk with herculean tasks with holistic approach to lessen the more ravaging. Road map, both on national and international level, should be taken into account under the noting of disaster management. Apart from that, every individual of dear globe has to play his indispensable role with utmost endevour to come up with a vigilant efforts to extricate from more devastation.

Although I have sailed through the essay paper twice; yet I won't take it lightly, because taking CE15's result into consideration, we have to deem everything. Therefore, would love to retain constructive discussion.

Regards:

how much did you score?

[QUOTE=hazelnut;884972]how much did you score?[/QUOTE]

I secured 53 & 44 in CE13 & 14 respectively.

Good one seniors can comment best ambut as far as I know to start with an anecdote as you did narrating a story is not good, now as for ur concern is concerned either you present your story by soecific time place by placing yourself but try to avoid anecdotes and unnecessary details you can start with stats that do you know? Last time floods cast ..... lives and loss of worth million rupees properties? Do you know the last famine in thar scummbed ..... lives of innocent children.. do you know? The last earthquake in Pakistan costed us .... lives
Mean start generally and as u know natural disaster doesnt only mean earthquakes tou have to give different perspectives like floods, femine, earthquakes then come to point and develop a thesis statement that unless and untill we don't be ready for the narural disasters they will come and haunt us badly.... little points from me to share .. seniors please comments on mine too

[QUOTE=exclusively;884879]Great endevour dear, yes you can attempt like this, at my part I liked it. Although no one knows about the checker whether he would like it or not, yet it is a good write up.

Let me articulate it in my way:

[B]Global earth [/B]is too susceptible to natural disasters. Neither elite, poor, nor any of the shrine could weed out earthquakes, tsunamis and cyclones. [B]None area [/B]of the world [B]probably be free from such catastrophic disasters[/B] irrespective of some areas which are likely less confronted with the intense disasters. Pakistan is one of the [B]most funny [/B]and devastated countries in the world, that has been adversely affected due to the natural disasters by the inordinate measures taken. Recent earthquake [B]of[/B] Pakistan is a case in point that has done tremendous damage to us and it would not likely be dissipated to do more devastation unless we we take it into account. Though natural calamities and unwanted economic loss [B]could not be pull out[/B], it can be [B]shrunk[/B] with herculean tasks [B]with [/B]holistic approach to lessen the more ravaging. Road map, both on national and international level, should [B]be taken [/B]into account under the [B]noting of [/B]disaster management. Apart from that, every individual of [B]dear globe[/B] has to play his indispensable role with utmost endevour to come up with [B]a vigilant efforts [/B]to extricate from more devastation.

Although I have sailed through the essay paper twice; yet I won't take it lightly, because taking CE15's result into consideration, we have to deem everything. Therefore, would love to retain constructive discussion.

Regards:[/QUOTE]

These are the few things I would like to point out.

1. Instead of Global earth, globe earth or planet earth are most suitable phrases.
2. Instead of None area, this sentence could 've been better phrased as No palce on earth can evade such natural calamities.
3. Most funny ? I didn't get what you want to imply.
4. Recent Earthquakes in Pakistan have caused tremendous destruction
5. cannot be avoided would 've been a better phrase instead of cannot pull out.
6. Shrunk should be replaced with a more suited word.

There are few other things as well but in a nutshell I have following things to say
In my humble suggestion one must not use words in order to impress the examiner with them. We can use simple and routine words as long as they perfectly convey the main idea behind the script. Because sometimes a difficult word effects the flow/homogenity/coherence of the script and makes it a whole jumble.
There is another thing that I have observed: when we learn different words we do it by learning their meaning in Urdu but when we use them in our English writing, we sometimes spoils the whole sense of that sentence because at the back end of our mind we are translating our thoughts from Urdu to English. So what sometimes seems okay in Urdu doesn't go with the main Idea in English. So always try to write well structured and short sentences instead of longer ones with high end vocabulary.
Nobody is going to evaluate your verbosity but there are surely marks for better grammer and properly conveyed Ideas.
Never compromise your well-thought content over ill-practiced vocabulary.
Atleast this is what I feel .

[QUOTE=Wandered;885023]These are the few things I would like to point out.

1. Instead of Global earth, globe earth or planet earth are most suitable phrases.
2. Instead of None area, this sentence could 've been better phrased as No palce on earth can evade such natural calamities.
3. Most funny ? I didn't get what you want to imply.
4. Recent Earthquakes in Pakistan have caused tremendous destruction
5. cannot be avoided would 've been a better phrase instead of cannot pull out.
6. Shrunk should be replaced with a more suited word.

There are few other things as well but in a nutshell I have following things to say
In my humble suggestion one must not use words in order to impress the examiner with them. We can use simple and routine words as long as they perfectly convey the main idea behind the script. Because sometimes a difficult word effects the flow/homogenity/coherence of the script and makes it a whole jumble.
There is another thing that I have observed: when we learn different words we do it by learning their meaning in Urdu but when we use them in our English writing, we sometimes spoils the whole sense of that sentence because at the back end of our mind we are translating our thoughts from Urdu to English. So what sometimes seems okay in Urdu doesn't go with the main Idea in English. So always try to write well structured and short sentences instead of longer ones with high end vocabulary.
Nobody is going to evaluate your verbosity but there are surely marks for better grammer and properly conveyed Ideas.
Never compromise your well-thought content over ill-practiced vocabulary.
Atleast this is what I feel .[/QUOTE]

You have rephrased my write up in simple language. However, I will love to attempt it in my flow because if I don't follow it, won't be able to incorporate my ideas in that much extent. However, your alternative rephrasing is also welcomed irrespective of minor mistakes. In my view, if you attempt your essay too simple, then you will have to face the grave consequences, because it is not an islamiat paper. However, I am thankful to have your constructive suggestions. Would you like to attempt same write up in your simple english, it would be great to assess our attempts.

Thanks in anticipation

Would you please point out the mistakes that I made?

Thank you for your suggestion. I personally like the anecdote style. the conventional intros seem boring to me. but as they say i will have to play safe in essay paper.