Seniors plz chk my essay introduction

[mmuqeem]

Essay topic : Democracy and Illiteracy cannot go together
INTRODUCTION:

Education provides awareness to the masses. This awareness then leads to their struggle for basic human rights and resistance againt any kind of oppression and subjugation by the ruling ellite. Democracy was the product of this rational approach. As the idea of democracy originated among the rational and educated minds only the educated minds could save it from any king of modification or deterioration. Democracy in its pure form guarantees basic human rights, transaparency, accountability, and equal opprtunities for all without any discrimination which then leads to progress and prosperity of the country. On the other hand illiteracy or lak of education facilitates feudalistic culture, curbing of human rights, authoritarian rules, corruption, and nepotism. The political system got hijacked by the ruling eliites which are inclined more in advancing their personal agendas rather than the well being of the people. Fake promises during election compaings, governance incompetancy, protection of self interests in legislative assemblies, usage of state institutions and machinery for personal benefits are some of the aspects of looting under the cover of democracy. This situation becomes possible only when the people are foolish enough due to the lack of meaningful education. One of the main reason behind the progress and the advancement of western world is their high literacy rate which enable these countries to practise democracy in its true spirit. Unfortunately, Pakistan has had a tough ride with democracy. Illiteracy among the masses always gave an opportunity to the incompetent political elite which failed to run the business of the country in a democratic way.

[Zain MSS]

Though I am no senior to evaluate anyone's composition, but this is a good attempt. However, there are some corrections that I would like to point, so that you may improve your composition.

1) Spelling mistakes:

againt - against
ellite - elite
lak - lack
compaings - campaigns
king - kind

2) Sentence correction:

ruling eliites which are - ruling elites who are.
' who is used to describe people '

3) I found the essence of the topic missing. The topic called for reasons why democracy and illiteracy cannot co-exist. Rather, your essay suggests how illiteracy fuels ignorance, and the abuse of democracy by the politicians.

Anyhow, it was a good essay. Efforts are appreciated.