I failed Essay 2023: Seniors Please assess my outline.

[bkcynical]

Hi all,

I have failed Essay in my CSS2023 attempt & apart from it, I've scored 632 in remaining subjects. Technically also failed Pak Affair & low marks in Paper B of Political Science.

I am sharing whatever recollection I have of my Essay approach & I would be very grateful if those candidates who have passed Essay & CSS were to share their opinion & guide me as regards my mistake as I could further work upon it.

Topic: Instruction in youth is like an engraving on a stone.

1. Introduction (It was 1 full page and a quarter; started with a hook that brought a question on how did the German youth evolve into staunch Nazis with such worldview; instead of writing a thesis statement now I dwelled on all the arguments of my essay and then concluded the introduction with my thesis statement).

2. How instructions to youth are like an engraving on a stone? (Section-2 of Outline)
Here my approach was to enlist arguments to answer my question, and statement of the essay, through a gradually developing pattern; Individual, Social, Political, Gendered, Environmental, Religious. The arguments were basically how an Individual is a product of environment & conditioned by the instructions imparted by family, school & surroundings & their character and personality depends on it but to substantiate it I had given example of the differentiating youth of Nazi Germany & Sort-of Liberal France.. Similarly in Social angle I'd explained 'Civic Virtue' among developed nations communities where the people are conscious of their civic responsibilities & rights against indifferent nations & even their industrious outlook as had been examined by sociologists (I'd even mentioned some studies names & sociologists work & a British Politician who had visited US in 1890s and examined their characteristics which are as relevant today).. Similarly in Politics I'd argued that the youth of today is the leader of tomorrow & their political values and vision are again the outcome of the political consciousness & wisdom they internalize & I'd given opposing & contrasting examples among Socialist Germany & Democratic Germany; North Koreans & South; Liberal UK & Conservative Europe etc.. On gendered area I was discussing that no one is born a misogynistic & that patriarchy has a social origin & therefore however youth are instructed to view the other gender & react towards them depends on how they are conditioned to grow & perceive the other gender throughout their youth & adolescences & had quoted several renowned feminists.. Similarly on environmental consciousness I had argued that the youth of today is more climate conscious & responsible b/c of the lessons & awareness they receive via digital advocacy as compared to previous generations and that is an evidence how instruction in youth is an engraving on a stone & similarly in religious argument where I had argued that sectarian bias, hate, prejudice & extremism is an instruction that conditions the youth into such radical behavior & had substantiated it via some evidences.

I am missing my exact references but one thing I remember is how I was quickly able to find contrasting examples in each paragraph & name-drop either societies or personalities such as somewhere I even put Hitler & Mussolini against Jinnah & Gandhi. I also remember in my outline every sentence was a one-liner & no pointer went on 2 lines but none of them were vague. I've a very compact handwriting, probably because of that & below every sentence I had mentioned all the references I will be giving in main body to substantiate each argument.

3. Challenges to education of the modern youth.
Here I had enlisted 4 challenges & their causes that are problematic in nature as regards negative impacts on youth; sectarian, politically polarizing, lack of accessibility & affordability, infinite digital access without filters.

4. Way Forward
Parental Responsibility; State's Initiative to tackle misinformation & disinfo; Other I forgot. Total 3.

5. Conclusion (1 Full Page)

Can someone explain what is wrong with my approach & how it could be corrected. If it matters, I've got 32 marks for Essay. I will be very grateful as I am confused right now.

[ShehreyarKhan]

I think your outline is incomplete & also is more futuristic & at times dwells in the past with little focus on the present.
If i were you, my first heading would be creating a link between youth’s susceptibility to change & how can they go either ways: good/bad, discussing things pertaining to genes,emotions etc

Then I would begin arguing
Analysing both good and bad sides of this susceptibility, while not dwelling too much in the past and future

In the end one can give a sustainable way to manage the youth, specifically talking about PAKISTAN, since one is becoming part of Gov machinery via CSS


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Nayyla Iqbal]

Originally Posted by ShehreyarKhan

I think your outline is incomplete & also is more futuristic & at times dwells in the past with little focus on the present.
If i were you, my first heading would be creating a link between youth’s susceptibility to change & how can they go either ways: good/bad, discussing things pertaining to genes,emotions etc

Then I would begin arguing
Analysing both good and bad sides of this susceptibility, while not dwelling too much in the past and future

In the end one can give a sustainable way to manage the youth, specifically talking about PAKISTAN, since one is becoming part of Gov machinery via CSS


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I wrote essay on the pattern that you are devising. Got 27 for that.
Outline went like:

1) Introduction:
1) Singapore’s case of investing in youth population
2) Role of youth in nation building
3) thesis statement (it included a my argument as well as I listed all opportunities and challenges faced in the process)

2) Evidences for “Instructions in Youth is like engraving in stone”
1) case study of Asian Tigers
2) Germany’s ranking as first world developed democracy and best place for youth to live at (read some study on it)
3) IPRI report that mentions Pakistan’s youth bulge as probable asset or a possible liability

3) Opportunities Available
I don’t remember the points exactly but they were some 6-7 opportunities ranging from developing labour force, teaching vocational skills as well as investing in research and development at university level etc

4) Challenges in the process
Again, cannot recall all the points but they ranged from poor law and order situation to dichotomy of haves and have-nots in society; poor research infrastructure too overpopulation and mismanagement etc

5) conclusion
I wrote it in context of Pakistan and it was quite short.
Maybe I wasn’t able to connect the later part. My outline was on 2.5 pages and essay main body was till 17th page.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[ShehreyarKhan]

Originally Posted by Nayyla Iqbal

I wrote essay on the pattern that you are devising. Got 27 for that.
Outline went like:

1) Introduction:
1) Singapore’s case of investing in youth population
2) Role of youth in nation building
3) thesis statement (it included a my argument as well as I listed all opportunities and challenges faced in the process)

2) Evidences for “Instructions in Youth is like engraving in stone”
1) case study of Asian Tigers
2) Germany’s ranking as first world developed democracy and best place for youth to live at (read some study on it)
3) IPRI report that mentions Pakistan’s youth bulge as probable asset or a possible liability

3) Opportunities Available
I don’t remember the points exactly but they were some 6-7 opportunities ranging from developing labour force, teaching vocational skills as well as investing in research and development at university level etc

4) Challenges in the process
Again, cannot recall all the points but they ranged from poor law and order situation to dichotomy of haves and have-nots in society; poor research infrastructure too overpopulation and mismanagement etc

5) conclusion
I wrote it in context of Pakistan and it was quite short.
Maybe I wasn’t able to connect the later part. My outline was on 2.5 pages and essay main body was till 17th page.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Nayyla, it is missing the points I mentioned. However, it is just my opinion; nobody knows for sure 🤷🏻*♂️


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Nayyla Iqbal]

Originally Posted by ShehreyarKhan

Nayyla, it is missing the points I mentioned. However, it is just my opinion; nobody knows for sure 🤷🏻*♂️


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Alright.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[aliusman22]

Originally Posted by Nayyla Iqbal

I wrote essay on the pattern that you are devising. Got 27 for that.
Outline went like:

1) Introduction:
1) Singapore’s case of investing in youth population
2) Role of youth in nation building
3) thesis statement (it included a my argument as well as I listed all opportunities and challenges faced in the process)

2) Evidences for “Instructions in Youth is like engraving in stone”
1) case study of Asian Tigers
2) Germany’s ranking as first world developed democracy and best place for youth to live at (read some study on it)
3) IPRI report that mentions Pakistan’s youth bulge as probable asset or a possible liability

3) Opportunities Available
I don’t remember the points exactly but they were some 6-7 opportunities ranging from developing labour force, teaching vocational skills as well as investing in research and development at university level etc

4) Challenges in the process
Again, cannot recall all the points but they ranged from poor law and order situation to dichotomy of haves and have-nots in society; poor research infrastructure too overpopulation and mismanagement etc

5) conclusion
I wrote it in context of Pakistan and it was quite short.
Maybe I wasn’t able to connect the later part. My outline was on 2.5 pages and essay main body was till 17th page.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hey ! Your essay outline deviated from the topic. This essay looks more like on the topic 'Importance of youth'.

[aliusman22]

Originally Posted by bkcynical

Hi all,

I have failed Essay in my CSS2023 attempt & apart from it, I've scored 632 in remaining subjects. Technically also failed Pak Affair & low marks in Paper B of Political Science.

I am sharing whatever recollection I have of my Essay approach & I would be very grateful if those candidates who have passed Essay & CSS were to share their opinion & guide me as regards my mistake as I could further work upon it.

Topic: Instruction in youth is like an engraving on a stone.

1. Introduction (It was 1 full page and a quarter; started with a hook that brought a question on how did the German youth evolve into staunch Nazis with such worldview; instead of writing a thesis statement now I dwelled on all the arguments of my essay and then concluded the introduction with my thesis statement).

2. How instructions to youth are like an engraving on a stone? (Section-2 of Outline)
Here my approach was to enlist arguments to answer my question, and statement of the essay, through a gradually developing pattern; Individual, Social, Political, Gendered, Environmental, Religious. The arguments were basically how an Individual is a product of environment & conditioned by the instructions imparted by family, school & surroundings & their character and personality depends on it but to substantiate it I had given example of the differentiating youth of Nazi Germany & Sort-of Liberal France.. Similarly in Social angle I'd explained 'Civic Virtue' among developed nations communities where the people are conscious of their civic responsibilities & rights against indifferent nations & even their industrious outlook as had been examined by sociologists (I'd even mentioned some studies names & sociologists work & a British Politician who had visited US in 1890s and examined their characteristics which are as relevant today).. Similarly in Politics I'd argued that the youth of today is the leader of tomorrow & their political values and vision are again the outcome of the political consciousness & wisdom they internalize & I'd given opposing & contrasting examples among Socialist Germany & Democratic Germany; North Koreans & South; Liberal UK & Conservative Europe etc.. On gendered area I was discussing that no one is born a misogynistic & that patriarchy has a social origin & therefore however youth are instructed to view the other gender & react towards them depends on how they are conditioned to grow & perceive the other gender throughout their youth & adolescences & had quoted several renowned feminists.. Similarly on environmental consciousness I had argued that the youth of today is more climate conscious & responsible b/c of the lessons & awareness they receive via digital advocacy as compared to previous generations and that is an evidence how instruction in youth is an engraving on a stone & similarly in religious argument where I had argued that sectarian bias, hate, prejudice & extremism is an instruction that conditions the youth into such radical behavior & had substantiated it via some evidences.

I am missing my exact references but one thing I remember is how I was quickly able to find contrasting examples in each paragraph & name-drop either societies or personalities such as somewhere I even put Hitler & Mussolini against Jinnah & Gandhi. I also remember in my outline every sentence was a one-liner & no pointer went on 2 lines but none of them were vague. I've a very compact handwriting, probably because of that & below every sentence I had mentioned all the references I will be giving in main body to substantiate each argument.

3. Challenges to education of the modern youth.
Here I had enlisted 4 challenges & their causes that are problematic in nature as regards negative impacts on youth; sectarian, politically polarizing, lack of accessibility & affordability, infinite digital access without filters.

4. Way Forward
Parental Responsibility; State's Initiative to tackle misinformation & disinfo; Other I forgot. Total 3.

5. Conclusion (1 Full Page)

Can someone explain what is wrong with my approach & how it could be corrected. If it matters, I've got 32 marks for Essay. I will be very grateful as I am confused right now.

Convincing attempt; you could have easily passed, had you aligned your essay outline with the required topic. All the best for future !