A baffled man!

A man entered a calm dispensary of a doctor and yelled, "Doctor, for God's sake do something for me. I was applying on the flute but, I committed a mistake to swallow it".

Doctor answered coolly, "You should thank God that you were not playing on a piano."
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Changing the cassettes!

An old singer turned up the stage. As he started, his artificial teeth fell down. Hastily, he fitted them into the mouth but as he began singing these fell down again.

When this process went on for a number of times, a person said angrily, "Would you sing something or go on changing the cassettes."

Other worlds!
A wife complained her husband, "Why did you say before our marriage that I was all your world." The husband answered, "I had not learnt geography, then. Now I have discovered a number of other worlds."


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Many Fathers!

A student used to cram. Near the exam, he crammed the essay, "My Friend", but unluckily the essay, "My Father" was set instead of "My Friend". So he started his somewhat like this.
"I Have many father but Mr. Ali is my best father."


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Best Plan!

A jester was very poor. When he did not find anything to feed his family, he asked his wife, "Send the children to their maternal grandparents and you should go to your paternal home and all the best, I am going to my in-laws."


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UN Survey

A world survey recently conducted by the UN posed the following question, "Could you please give us your opinion about the food shortage in the rest of the world?

This survey was a huge failure due to the following reasons: In Africa, no one knows what "food" is. In Western Europe, no one knows what "shortage" is. In Eastern Europe no one knows what "opinion" is. In South America no one knows what "please" means. In the US no one knows what "rest of the world" means.


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Patient Waiter!

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and never once getting angry. So finally, a second customer asked why didn't they just throw out the pest.

"Oh, I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."


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Simple questions!

Some students were talking about simple questions they put to certain professionals.

"What's two and two?' they asked a statistician.
He fiddled with his calculator, replying, "I estimate it to be 3.99999 recurring.

"What's three and three? they asked a doctor.

He thought briefly and flicked through his reference material. "I think it's six, he said, "but I recommend you obtain a second opinion".

"What's four plus four? they asked an accountant.

He furrowed his brow, stared into space, and then leaned forward and said, "What do you want it to be?"


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Assumptions

In the beginning was the Plan. And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was without substance. And darkness was on the face of the Workers. And they spoke among themselves, saying, it is a crock of shit and it stinks. And the Workers went unto the Supervisors and said, it is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell.

And the Supervisors went unto the Managers, saying, it is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it. And the Managers went unto the Directors, saying, it is a vessel of fertilizer, and none can stand against its strength.

And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying, it promotes growth, and it is very powerful. And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying, This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigour of the company with very powerful effects. And the President looked upon the Plan and he saw that it was good. And the Plan became Policy. And this is how shit happens.


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Wife & Lizards!

A guy was praying passionately, "Oh my God! Turn me into a lizard."

A man asked, "Why do you pray so?" He answered, "My wife dreads lizards."


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Bhati Gate!

A man asked another man, "Where is Bhatti Gate situated? he replied, "It is near the Data Darbar." But I also do not know where the Data Darbar is?" he enquired. "It is near Bhatti Gate, he answered. The first man asked with surprise, "But I do not know where both of these are?. Both are very close to each other", the man replied.

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No hurry!

A man and a woman were standing on the platform of a metro (underground train). The man was trying his level best to convince the woman. He said, "Behold if you would not marry me, I would commit suicide". The woman answered calmly, "Let me think for a while. You need not hurry. Every hour a train passes here."
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Holidays!

Teacher (to student): Give an example that the things expand in summer whereas shrink in winter.

Student: Sir, the school holidays expand to the two months in summer & shrink to 10 days in winter.
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Piece of cake!

A school kid returned home from school, his mother asked, "Why's your one eye swelling?" The boy said, " my class-fellow has given me a below."

The mother said calmly, "Dear son, it is not good to avenge. You should recon ciliate with him and present him a piece of cake."

The other day, when he returned from school, his other eye was swelling. The mother asked him, " And what did happen today?" The boy wept bitterly and said, "Now he demands for another piece
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A Miser!

A miser entered a restaurant and ordered for curry worth half a rupee. A waiter brought him the curry. When the miser began to eat, he saw that a fly was floating in the curry. He angrily shouted at the waiter. "You brought the curry with a fly!" The waiter answered, "Then do you want a goat or sheep for half a rupee.