@ Sana Rasool
I feel your outline is based on only one side of the picture, I maybe wrong though. Did you include some points manifesting the HR-abuse due to the terrorists' outfits? As this war on terror is actually between two groups, broadly, one, the pro-secularism faction (or you may call it the Western faction or whatever is convenient to you) and the second, the conservative (Islamist) faction. Now, just think, if you only go on discussing the HR-abuse due to invasions, assaults of Western allies and ignore those abuses cause of Islamist factions, then probably you would get half of the passing marks in your essay.
(If you have discussed in there both sides of the picture, then I am unable to comprehend what went wrong with the checker.)
Another thing I would point it here is: most of the candidates took not-a-very-balanced approach in this particular essay. Let me explicate it further; many candidates discussed HR-abuse in essay and called it very very bad and gave measures to hamper them. However, they ignored the fact, that terrorism is actually an abnormal phenomenon, which indeed requires some abnormal measures to be curbed. For instance, citizens have to bear some HR-abuses while having ongoing abnormal measures to curb terrorism. So, in that particular essay, I think, one should have not favored completely hampering the HR-abuse in extreme and similarly, should have at least favored upto some extent the abnormally strict measures. (those within in limits somehow, I don't want to give examples here, you must know it.) I mean to say, the balanced approach would be feasible enough to satisfy any kind of checker, whether a pro-WOT or anti-WOT.
These are my opinions, so, are not the ultimately right ones. Everyone can differ by correcting me.

Gentlemen,

Thank you for the input.

Aik Admi, perhaps you are correct. Each of these flaws could have motivated the examiner to deduct a few marks here and there.

Cogito Ergo Sum, point regarding introduction duly noted. I was under the impression, a catchy and attractive introduction may make the examiner happy. I will have to rethink introduction strategy. Same for conclusion.

The Shah Ends - yes, your point regarding critical analysis from both sides came to my mind in the essay hall but I didn’t do it because 1) the essay hadn't asked for critique on both sides; 2) I interpreted it as asking for a concrete opinion on the topic and justifying that opinion in 3k words; and 3) discussing both sides would have made the meaning entirely different. But you may be right. Perhaps my interpretation was lacking.

Based on the experiences of some of my friends and others here on the forum I have tried to reach some sort of conclusion regarding the essay paper in particular. A graduate of Imperial College London (who was an editorial writer for top papers in Pakistan and is now serving in a leading MNC in Singapore), an investment banker from JP Morgan Chase, UK, another fellow who has now gone to Harvard, the TOEFL topper in Pakistan and some other brilliant people have flunked the essay paper in recent years. Moreover, Cogito and a few other people on the forum add to this category. Therefore, the assumption that English skills play a major part in passing this exam appears to be questionable. The following may be possible:

1. I have heard some people say that when a large number of people successfully sail through the written exam, the authorities apply some form of percentage rule that reduces the number of marks for all candidates by a certain factor (say 10 marks deduced from all papers). Same may also apply when very few people qualify any paper or when there were errors in the question paper. This saves the cost, hassle and time of conducting 1000 plus interviews later. I am not sure if this is true or not.
   
2. A rather crude trend that I note is that somehow, people who take guidance from ex-examiners (not academies but individual tutors) entertain higher chances of qualifying the essay paper. This could be true because these examiners may be able to clarify so many ambiguities about the CSS essay structure. For instance, for the IETLS examination, there is a standard pattern of attempting the writing section and if somebody knows the technique, there is high likelihood a band 9 score be obtained (provided he/she has decent grammatical skills). IELTS tutors clearly state that an overview paragraph is needed, four to five body paras are required, when and how to give examples etc. There may be a secret checklist of this sort with CSS examiners too? The checklist may be the key to winning the exam.
   
3. Having talked to some CE-2015 essay qualifiers (who attempted the WOT essay) I notice that each one of them is a little different from the ordinary in some way. For example, Tupac Shakur’s approach is completely unconventional. From what I understand, he has contended that terrorists are actually magnifying HR abuse that already existed. Moreover, the idea of beginning with a quote from Zawahiri was unique indeed. This may have won him the examiner’s praise. There could be other outstanding and unconventional ideas in his approach that made him a winner here. Similarly, I came across another qualifier who mentioned he added graphs and tables to his essay. This could have made his paper stand out. It might then be that in around 8000 to 9000 essays on this topic, such unconventional tactics help win competitive advantage? As this is competitive exam and there is no set criteria on the basis of which exam essay is marked, it’s all about survival of the fittest – or the survival of the most unconventional.
   
4. Having said that, the topic choice in itself may determine half of the total success rate. I think, FPSC has begun to encourage people who attempt the ‘out-of-the-box’ essays. I’m not sure how many of the 371 qualifiers this year attempted essays other than WOT, but I know there is a considerable percentage here.
   
5. In the end, I agree with the luck factor, of course.

__________________
SR

@Sana

Reread what Cogito wrote above atleast 5 times. Make it 6, if you may please.

I am a victim of this butchering policy too and my case is similar to yours since I too managed to notch up approximately 700 points. Only luck and decree can help you in getting through this exam.

But the take home message is: Hit the bull's eye right from the word go. Present your thesis statement in the first sentence of your introduction. And then build your intro around it, encompassing almost all the points that you intend to write in the essay. Finally, reiterate your thesis statement in the end of your introductory paragraph.

As Cogito rightly pointed out, the examiner would have been thinking, "hey what has this lady written? I am more interested in knowing about her stance on the topic than an emotional outpouring of how an anti-drone campaign poster moved people."

Sadly, you must know that there is no creativity appreciated whatsoever on the examiner's part. All great things in life are simple, they say. A RELEVANT outline coupled with an equally RELEVANT introductory paragraph are, more often than not, the constituents of a passed CSS-exam essay.

@SanaRasool

I'm no expert, I'm just trying to share my perspective, since you asked for it.

I've been trying to find your thesis statement but I haven't been able to spot it in your outline, or elsewhere in your post. We're supposed to write an essay on our thesis, which is obviously dictated by the topic at hand. You cannot expect the reader to find what your "case" is. Only an explicit statement of your thesis in the outline, or better yet, even before you start your outline can help the reader understand what you're trying to prove or say. From there on, the reader can decide if the bulk of your content is relevant and convincing. You said that my approach was unconventional, and I agree with you. I would say that the whole point of writing an essay is to make a point, on a debatable issue, which isn't already obvious. Why else would I be wasting my time reading someone else's essay if not for finding out stuff that I didn't already know, or getting a perspective that I previously didn't appreciate.I expect at least half of all reasonable aspirants to have all the basic knowledge about terrorism and human rights. The only way for you to separate yourself from the crowd is to have an original perspective. One doesn't have to be ludicrous to stand out, you just have to pause and think for a moment. I know it's hard, especially on that day because of the nerves, but you have to pause and think what your thesis will be.

Also, you can help the examiner (and yourself) by organizing your thoughts before starting the actual essay. Your outline is good in that it makes good points, but it isn't structured in any way. You do have a macro-structure (cause-effect-solution) but within each of these points there isn't any organization or compartmentalization. If I were you, and if I had taken this approach, I would have broken down each (cause-effect-solution) into a micro-structure, something like social, economic, political or local, national, global - something along those lines, depending on suitability.

Personally, I believe that you should try to show the examiner that your thoughts are your own thoughts, and that they are not a compiled version of what is considered common knowledge. You should also try to show the examiner that your essay is not a result of your execution of a pre-planed strategy that is applicable to all types of essays. SWOT and CES are not applicable everywhere, and if you try to use these where these techniques don't belong, it ends up ruining the whole essay. You should be able to think on your feet, after deciding your topic, to come up with a good original thesis. Then you should decide, right there, your organizational structure, one that is tailor made for that particular essay.

Cogito and Gintino have made a very valid point regarding your introductory paragraph. The examiner might have gotten the impression that you were trying to make an emotional appeal instead of making cogent arguments.

I'm sorry that you couldn't make it. All the best for your next attempt.

__________________
The only thing that comes to a sleeping man is dreams - Tupac

My friend since you're online today. I would like you to comment only "pass or fail" on my two outlines.




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__________________
One must be a wise reader to quote wisely and well; said Bronson Alcott

Tupac Shakur

Thank you for elaborating the point on originality so well. Now that I think of it, I did write a rather descriptive essay and as you put it, most of what I wrote was ‘general knowledge’. If I had had a little more courage to attempt the other topic(s) [lemon or luxury essays], I might have been able to make it. I will admit I didn’t have a lot of original thoughts on this topic and it was never one that I wanted to write on.

About the thesis statement, I did not mention the statement in the outline (or before it) but it was clearly mentioned at the end of the intro para. About the intro para approach itself, I am going to be taking some more ideas of how best to begin. I thought I was grabbing attention by quoting the poster.

Considering your unconventional approach, I’m sure you’d ace the 2015 exam. Good luck.

__________________
SR

have you qualified CSS written for that attempt?

Yes, he has passed the written part of CE-15.

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