started by narrating a historical event. Thesis statement followed, in which I agreed that, Yes it is the colonial mindset which is impeding the progress of Pakistan.

Every heading, sub-heading of the outline was the starting line of a paragraph in essay. And yes, I connected the ideas.

What do you think?

Okay. Let me take the last exam tomorrow. I will do a detailed autopsy of your attempt. Expect it in the afternoon. It can not be a simple yes or no from my side in your essay. It needs some elaboration which I will do inshaAllah tomorrow. Hope it will benefit you for future as well. Salam till then.


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And by 'autopsy' I do not imply that your essay is dead. It is just that once you are done with the exams, it is as good as dead. You can't do anything. I used word autopsy in that sense.


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Following are the negatives of your essay:
1) Use of "We" is NEVER advised unless the examiner uses it. If he had said 'is colonial mentality impeding our progress?', then the use of We could be justified.
2) "We have always been slaves" is a very strong statement. It can offend anyone, especially he who does not hate his race as much as the writer of such phrase seems to.
3) If you wanted to portray 'us' as slaves, at least you could have started counting from Alexander, or the Aryans that were the very first invaders. Muslim names on the top of the list of people enslaving the people of the subcontinent will surely offend an examiner who has religious inclination, Ghaznavi k naam per hm logon k missile hain...for God's sake don't show your views (which also happen to be unsubstantiated in this case) in such a forceful, harsh tone when you are writing for an exam that could make you a part of the state. The state ideology is in favor of Ghaznavis and Ghoris. If you ever want to hate on these people, consider yourself not being able to have beef, or try calling yourself Sundar Partap instead of your Muslim name (because you won't be Muslim if these people had not invaded). In case you are a Hindu or Christian, I am sorry if that sounded offensive. But majority does have a tendency to dictate its views, everywhere!!! Bottom-line: let's hope the checker is as broadminded as you are. (Which is a far-fetched possibility)
4) Nowhere in the essay has he asked you to justify if Pakistanis have always been slaves. The statement PROVIDES that, k haan jee...YES...hum mein colonial mentality hai....he just asked you, kya ye mentality taraqqi mein rukaawat hai? Your first point is irrelevant by this logic (apart from being offensive, unsubstantiated and vitriolic)
5) When you write psychological effects and then make a separate heading for Pakistan just basically repeating what you said earlier, it seems k ye banda paani daal rha hai takay page and word count poora ho jaye...it is annoying to read the same thing again...you should have just said it once.
6) When you start enumerating effects of colonial mentality on Pakistan, it begins to sound as if the essay was "The effects of colonial mentality on Pakistan". The essay, on the other hand asks you "Is colonial mentality impeding Pak's progress". Theek hai bhai bureaucracy elite hai, ab isko Pakistan ki progress se relate kis ne krna hai? Examiner ne ye kaam agr khud he krna hai to phir wo number bhi khud ko he de le ga...
7) First you forcefully gave points favoring the view that colonial mentality has hurt Pakistan. Then you second-guess yourself, "has it helped?". Thek hai help bhi ki ho gi, but aap aik time per aik he party k advocate ho skte ho bhai...you cannot play defense and prosecution in the same court bro...
8) You started with a historical event. What if it sounds too cliched to the examiner and your essay gets off with a bad impression? Try avoiding adventurism next time when (and if) you take an attempt.

LASTLY, I am sorry if anything sounded too harsh. I believe people learn only when truth is thrust in their faces. Consider me your well-wisher, nobody would have evaluated your essay in such a great detail for free; especially someone who knew the tricks of the trade.
Ciao

I am impressed!!
the way you scrutinized his essay and then sorted out his flaws,is brilliant!!

to me colonial mentality in current situation which is hindrance in progress of pakistan is fear of people that cpec is another east india company... if i participated in exam i will explain the statment in current scenerio...

__________________
Yes i can do it

Dear ,I attempted the same topic but in a different way. I dont think that we should have defined the word colonial mentality.

I defined the colonial mentality in detail i.e. at individual, social, political and political level. I dnt know it was good thing or not, then I write the effect of colonial mentality on National progress i.e. social progress, administrative, economic and social progress...

I tried to explain what colonial mentality is, then i showed presence of colonial mentality in pakistan and then effects of this mentality. At the end i mentioned remedies to overcome this mentality.
This is a rough outline which i remember.


1. Introduction
a. (Mentioned 3 sentences including the thesis statement)
2. Why colonist powers are treated as evil?
• Personal gains
• Exploitation of resources
• Oppression of public
• Laws for poor
• Carte blance for elites
3. Is Pakistan following colonial mentality?
a. yes
4. Pakistan following colonial footsteps
a. Personal gains
• NA salaries
• Foreign asset bill
b. Oppression of public
• Women disparities (explained with facts and figures)
• Transgender maltreatment (explained with figures)
c. Laws for poor
• FCR
• Ban on gathering under Article 144
d. Obsolete laws
• Code of Criminal Procedures 1898
• Code of Civil Procedures 1908
• Pakistan Penal Code 1860
e. Freehand given to elites
• (don’t remember the points)
5. Effects of colonial mentality on Pakistan
a. Corruption
• Transparency International
• Panamagate scandal
b. Poor judiciary
• 3 million pending cases
• Case of Mazhar Farooq and M. Anar
c. Lawlessness
• Honour killing
d. Poor governance
• Score on Democratic Index
6. Way forward
a. Education
b. Media
c. Accountability
d. Institutional buildup
7. Conclusion
a. (Wrote two sentences including revision of thesis statement)

Right dear .Mine points were almos the same and dont worry you will make it .All the best.