Please Check My Essay. It is Important. - Page 2

Sajid Sadeem · #11 Monday, December 07, 2009

@ Audacious:

your essay is a good effort. n m glad that u took pains to write it and post it online.....some of the points raised by fellow members have been quite right. i suggest u should try to manage ur thoughts on national and international aspects at the same level. For example, media was not evolving in Pakistan alone or US & Israel are not the only countries that have used media to their advantage.
But i believe u must have already started improving these points......
I wrote the same essay this year in exam and here is my outline that i wrote:

Here is how i wrote it:

media in modern world--an intro

media through ages
basic human instinct: to communicate
early humans
invention of printing and paper
widespread use of printing press
media in renaissance
transfer of knowledge
arrival of periodical newspapers in early 18th century
invention of radio and tv
media's latest channel: internet

media's role in the present day world
basic functions of information, news, education, entertainment, awareness,
other functions include:
check on govt policy
socio-political role: a case of lawyer's movement
an agent for change
opinion making forum: a case of 9/11 and invasion of iraq
connectivity--public participation: a case of obama's election and his use of internet

some negative impacts of media
yellow journalism
blackmailing
sensationalism: an example of mumbai carnage
biased approach: blatant refusal of western media to acknowledge the atrocities on kashmiri and paletinian people
intervention in foreign policy
news selling as product

future role of media
more sensible
true journalism to be followed
latest technologies to be used
*****************************************
Hope u keep ur spirits high......

Miss_Naqvi · #12 Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I was surfing through forum to find some data regarding media and cursory glance of this thread has made me to add my opinion. Please no offence as I in my perspective you are the prospective future CSP and preparing Essay for CSS examiner. I wont give you marks first rather will elucidate the mistakes you have committed. Your mistakes are bold while my suggestions are in dark red.

Outline has already been checked by other members and some valuable suggestions has been given to you so my focus is on your essay.

Quote:

Originally Posted by AUDACIOUS

Power of Media in the Modern World

Essay:

The modern time shows (era has witnessed ) the power of media, as it has become a monstrous power giant ( negative use of vocab ) of the modern world today. The whole ( unnecessary word ) world is bearing the witness ( passing through ) of the west hegemony in all spheres of world ( life ), and so is the case with the media. The strings of international media are in the hands of west (very vague idea), and west is promulgating whatever there agenda is ( Essay examiner never tolerate this kind of mistakes as you are discussing in an immature way. If you dont know then dont discuss. ) to make there influence credible and reliable. Basically there are two types of media, Electronic Media and Print Media. Both have their own areas of exercise. Before the monopoly of electronic media, print media had the same monopoly which it has lost now ( Again emotional style that has little connection to the facts as you havent mentioned any ). In Electronic Media there are different types like Television, Radio, VCR, Tape Recorder and the Internet. In Print Media there are also different types like Newspaper, digest, Magazine, pamphlet, book and brochure. These are the sources over which media executes ( Incomplete expression that give no sense ). Due to the long range of sources on which media executes, the power of media is growing immensely. And owing to the rising power of media, the world big powers are exploiting the use of media to the maximum extent to gain their personal designs (again emotional description. Here few questions are raised like; which are big powers? how they are exploiting? What are there personal designs? and your further description is failed even to answer the single question). However, media is rendering great services for the good of world’s masses also ( here I would say its weak sentence structure ).

Media has a great importance and utilization in every context of life. Today, one cannot even imagine the life without media. Media has made us aware of our surroundings. ( Media isnt our biological need so we can live without it. Yes if you want to realize the reader its importance it should be in some other structure like; Presently its hard to live without media as its the source of information and provides details of day to day happennings. ) In past it was really difficult to know each and every thing about distant areas, but today we can even know the news about far flung areas. This is the power of media that one can see jet fighters of Afghanistan dropping bombs while sitting in America and Europe. ( Although here you are presenting positive aspect of media but you have presented in a negative manner ) Moreover, the significance of today’s media can be judged by the increasing usage of internet. No thing is bad, but the use of things could be bad ( Weak structure and do not qualify the level of CSS ). Same as, media itself is not bad, but the use of media could be bad. The rising power of media, if organized properly, can be transformed into a highly useful means of progress. Regardless of the fact that the west is using media treacherously, the importance of media is undeniable ( Again negative statement ) .

I have pointed out mistakes in just two of your paragraphs and you must have realized that you need hard work to prepare essay (CSS) If I would have some more time I could guide you further.

AUDACIOUS · #13 Friday, January 29, 2010

@ Miss Naqvi

Thanks for your criticism. Secondly, it was an essay written without any preparation for the topic. I just read the topic and started to write whatever came in my mind and whatever I though appropriate and related to topic. Ideas can vary from person to person so the expression of writing. Everybody writes in his own capacity and knowledge, so did I.

Thank you very much. don't you think that with such type of expression and knowledge one can pass essay paper? I hope you will say no. But I passed with the same expression and weak sentences in 2009 on the topic of War On terror securing 43 marks.

A good Quote "When There is a will, there is a way".

Regards and Reverence

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The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Miss_Naqvi For This Useful Post:
idresee (Wednesday, January 13, 2010), kashifilyas (Friday, January 29, 2010), sajjad89 (Thursday, April 08, 2010)