Martian Chronicles by irfan hussain....!!!

[Irtika]

A RECENT editorial in this newspaper drew our attention to Mars One, an ambitious project that aims to take volunteers to the planet on a one-way trip to set up a colony.

Thousands have applied, and no doubt many more will do so. In the spirit of scientific exploration, I would like to submit some names; I am confident their presence on Mars will benefit us as well as them.

For starters, I’m sure Altaf Hussain would love to go, given his ongoing problems with the London police. He said recently that his life had been made miserable by the attentions of British detectives probing into his financial affairs. Mars is one place where the long arm of the Metropolitan police does not extend to, so pack your bags, Altaf Bhai.

Also, a Mars colony would be populated by the ultimate mohajirs: no refugees would have travelled so far to get away from it all. Clearly, this would be the logical place to start a new MQM chapter, given the party’s lack of success in the rest of Pakistan.

One problem could be that when he addresses the adoring multitudes back in Karachi and Hyderabad, there will be a time lag of over 15 minutes before his pearls of wisdom reach us. Another issue is that when Mars faces away from us, radio signals will be blocked for hours.

Even MQM supporters, accustomed as they are to listening to their leader for several hours in the heat, might get impatient. I suppose the organisers could simply replay old speeches. After all, who would ever notice?

My next candidate for the Mars colony is Imran Khan. Having given us a Naya Pakistan, a grateful nation should offer his services to the new community on our closest planetary neighbour. The colony will need somebody to speak to the native Martians. With his experience of talking to the Taliban, he is the ideal man for the job.

To keep him company, retired Lt-Gen Hamid Gul needs to put his spacesuit on. This self-appointed spokesman for the Taliban will be able to reassure the colonists that the Martians mean them no harm, and the ray guns they wield are actually symbols of peace.

To act as cheerleader, and to plant the green banner on Martian soil, who better than Zaid Hamid, the self-styled strategist and TV studio warrior? In his distinctive red cap, he could rally the colonists for a jihad against the native Martians, and begin preparing for an attack on Earth to cleanse it of its evils.

While I’m sure Asif Zardari has already applied, I’m suggesting his name to make sure he is on the first Mars-bound rocket. Now that NAB is looking into past allegations of corruption after the expiry of his presidential immunity, surely the time has come to move to a place that has no extradition treaty with Pakistan.

Also, there is lots of empty space on Mars for a polo field, to say nothing of endless corner plots. His soothsayer can keep him company: this worthy is clearly essential as he recently informed us that he had been instrumental in reuniting Zardari with the $60m in Swiss accounts that he had long denied having anything to do with.

And spare a thought for poor Musharraf: here is a returning messiah rejected by his nation, and hounded by the judiciary, the media and the government. Surely he’d be better off on Mars. There, he could commune in peace with his millions of Facebook friends and Twitter followers.

Living in unaccustomed obscurity, perhaps ex-chief justice Iftikhar Chaudhry would consider a one-way trip to Mars. After all, life on Earth probably seems pretty dull without being able to hurl suo motu notices and summons for contempt at will.

My farewell present to him will be a collection of books on basic economics and simplified constitutional theory about the division of powers between the organs of state.

Thus far, Nawaz Sharif has been the most hands-off prime minister in Pakistan’s history. Weeks pass without us being aware of his presence. Given his apparent irrelevance, would he not be happier on Mars rather than having to perform a few irksome duties here? True, finding good nihari might be a bit of a problem, but perhaps Martians have a delicacy that’s even better.

Finally, the Martian colony will need a spiritual leader: who better than Maulana Fazlur Rahman?

He will face a problem in determining what direction to pray in, as well as the appearance of the new moon as Mars has two satellites. But the upside is that there are all those Martians waiting to be shown the True Path.

If and when all these stars in the Pakistani firmament leave for Mars, I am not suggesting all their problems will be solved. But many of ours would be.

irfan.husain@gmail.com