Ten predictions for 2011


1. Pervez Musharraf’s decision to enter politics will be vindicated when he is elected to parliament. From the safe seat of Birmingham to the House of Commons.

2. The year’s worst natural disaster will take place when London is flooded. It will later be discovered that it was caused by Altaf Hussain’s tearful speeches.

3. At the World Cup, the Pakistan cricket team will average fewer wickets than dropped catches per match. Ijaz Butt will finally be removed as chairman of the PCB. He will be made a senator.

4. US President Barack Obama will come to Pakistan for a three-day summit. That will be two more days than President Asif Ali Zardari spends in the country in 2011.

5. At least half a dozen more English-language newspapers will be launched. That means there will be an average of one newspaper for every person who speaks English in the country.

6. In a repeat of the Chilean miners’ story, the world’s media will turn its attention to 15 workers trapped in a mine in Pakistan. They will lose all interest when it turns out none of the miners are members of the Taliban.

7. As summer approaches, Pakistan’s politicians will decamp at Harrods. Climatologists will credit the corresponding loss of hot air as Pakistan’s chief contribution to tackling global warming.

8. After growing chatter that the army is planning a coup, General Kayani will declare that he supports democracy. He will deliver the speech at the President House while Zardari holds his cue cards and Gilani hand-rolls his cigarettes.

9. The court case in New York against the ISI for their alleged involvement in the Mumbai attacks will convince the US to get tough with Pakistan. The Americans will demand all evidence of ISI perfidy. In related news, there will be a huge boom in the Pakistani paper-shredding industry.

10. The Lahore High Court will ban the internet for defaming Pakistan when WikiLeaks releases 10,000 documents pertaining to the country. The Supreme Court will overturn the decision saying that embarrassing the country is not illegal, adding “If it was, all our politicians would be serving life sentences.”

Nadir Hassan is a journalist based in Karachi.
Source: DAWN.Com