kindly seniors check my paragraph

[AliRehman5]

the following paragraph comprising 120bit less or more words only. this is my very first paragraph so there can be lot of flaws in it. kindly point out these and rate it justly i would be very thankful.
"The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them, thats the essence of inhumanity"
Human soul contains lot of emotions which express his eternal relation to the people around him. love and hatred are polar but opposite with each other. these emotions not only express oneself but also effects life of others. everyone want love and dislike hatred. In hatred we bother others, we want their betrayal and let our heart filled with antagonism. hatred is a negative act but there is something else which is beyond the hatred and totally inhuman act that is to be indifferent from our fellowbeings it means to avoid them completely like we are to be unaware from them wether they live or die we just do not give it a care. For example poor peoples are ignored by so called rich men of society. they remain indifferent from them as they are not a part of society. it hurts even more then hatred and it is totally against the principle of society. to live in this world one should try his best to spread love over every corner of homeland and avoid such attitude which makes him in different among the other peoples.

[J Hussain]

Good Effort considering its your first endeavor. However, there are a lot of grammatical mistakes. Pay attention to grammar as much as you can. Also, try to write ideas in simple words, this piece of writing gives a dramatic and vague impression.

It's good that you are working hard, keep it up!

[AliRehman5]

Originally Posted by J Hussain

Good Effort considering its your first endeavor. However, there are a lot of grammatical mistakes. Pay attention to grammar as much as you can. Also, try to write ideas in simple words, this piece of writing gives a dramatic and vague impression.

It's good that you are working hard, keep it up!

First of all thanks once again for giving attention to it.
ok i ll do more attention to grammar onwards. but kindly point out major grammatical mistakes if you can. so i ll be in a better position to understand my flaws.

[mohsinali303]

Originally Posted by AliRehman5

the following paragraph comprising 120bit less or more words only. this is my very first paragraph so there can be lot of flaws in it. kindly point out these and rate it justly i would be very thankful.
"The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them, thats the essence of inhumanity"
Human soul contains lot of emotions which express his eternal relation to the people around him. love and hatred are polar but opposite with each other. these emotions not only express oneself but also effects life of others. everyone want love and dislike hatred. In hatred we bother others, we want their betrayal and let our heart filled with antagonism. hatred is a negative act but there is something else which is beyond the hatred and totally inhuman act that is to be indifferent from our fellowbeings it means to avoid them completely like we are to be unaware from them wether they live or die we just do not give it a care. For example poor peoples are ignored by so called rich men of society. they remain indifferent from them as they are not a part of society. it hurts even more then hatred and it is totally against the principle of society. to live in this world one should try his best to spread love over every corner of homeland and avoid such attitude which makes him in different among the other peoples.

Good attempt if it is first one.

Remember these rules for Expansion

Explain meaning in first two lines

then further explanation in paragraph

Any quote or example

at last a concluding paragraph

[J Hussain]

Originally Posted by AliRehman5

the following paragraph comprising 120bit less or more words only. this is my very first paragraph so there can be lot of flaws in it. kindly point out these and rate it justly i would be very thankful.
"The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them, thats that is the essence of inhumanity"
Human soul contains has lot of emotions which express his its eternal relation to the people around him it. love and hatred are polar but opposite (both signify the same meaning hence use the proper conjunction "and" not "but") with each other. these emotions not only express oneself but also effects affect life of others. everyone want everyone wants love and dislike dislikes hatred. In hatred we bother others, we want their betrayal and let our heart filled with antagonism. this is an unclear message, make it understandable. hatred is a negative act emotion but there is something else which is beyond the hatred (carefully use articles like "A", "An" and "The") and totally inhumane act that is to be indifferent from our fellow-beings it means to avoid them completely like we are to be unaware from them wether we are unaware of them whether they live or die we just do not give it a care we just do not care. For example poor peoples people are ignored by so called rich men of society. they remain indifferent from (indifferent to: proper use of prepositions) them as they are not a part of society. it hurts even more then (than: comparitive) hatred and it is totally against the principle of society. to live in this world one should try his best to spread love over every corner of homeland and avoid such attitude which makes him one in different among the other peoples.

I have tried to highlight some of the grammatical mistakes in Bold font and written the corrections in Italics.

Good'luck!

[AliRehman5]

2nd
"It is a great loss to man when he cannot laugh"
A person is not fully depressed until he wears a smile on his face. when a child is born he is welcomed by people smiling and laughing around him. Man is sent on earth being a superior creation of God. he who is best who has been granted by a gift of laughter. a person smiling can make the other person smiling standing in front of him. smile on a face represents one s eternal thoughts. smiling is the way to attracting people, knowing them and being friends to them. According to Hazrat Ali ( A.S) saying " Smile is like a flower which suits to every face". smiling is a sign of safty and comfort. he who cannot laugh living a useless life it is regarded to a great loss because he made himself aloof. one should never be depressed as there is a morning after every night.

Originally Posted by J Hussain

I have tried to highlight some of the grammatical mistakes in Bold font and written the corrections in Italics.

Good'luck!

Thanks a lot brother. by your sincere effort i came to know my grammar and english is quite weak i ll try to overcome it

[J Hussain]

Originally Posted by AliRehman5

Thanks a lot brother. by your sincere effort i came to know my grammar and english is quite weak i ll try to overcome it

No. It's not weak, sometimes we become too careless while writing. As long as you have the will and dedication to learn, nothing can bring you down. I'd suggest you to start working on Grammar on daily basis. You can go to Sir Kashif in Model Town for English tuition. He teaches grammar from scratch unlike other English teachers who just make corrections in one's writing.

PS: I'm a sister, not a brother.

[AliRehman5]

Originally Posted by J Hussain

No. It's not weak, sometimes we become too careless while writing. As long as you have the will and dedication to learn, nothing can bring you down. I'd suggest you to start working on Grammar on daily basis. You can go to Sir Kashif in Model Town for English tuition. He teaches grammar from scratch unlike other English teachers who just make corrections in one's writing.

PS: I'm a sister, not a brother.

no sister you have rightly. where does Sir kashif teach? how many month he takes to cover syllabus of English composition? can i cover it in 3 month

[J Hussain]

Originally Posted by AliRehman5

no sister you have rightly. where does Sir kashif teach? how many month he takes to cover syllabus of English composition? can i cover it in 3 month

He teaches in DPS school teachers residential colony, H block, Model Town Lahore. September is the ideal time to start English tuition as new batches start in this month. Also, Essay topics start to formulate by this time of the year. 3 months will be more than enough. Just make sure you discuss all your problems well with the teacher before the start of the session and request him to accommodate you well.