what do they look for in an essay? - Page 5

therevenant · #41 Friday, October 30, 2015

Cogito

Brother, looks like we followed the same path interpreting the crux of the topic. Like you, I (also over-analysed it, may be and) went on to prove the contributions WOT has made to ALREADY proliferating abuses of Human Rights. I still believe that this approach is, in no-way, detracted from the topic.

Toru · #42 Friday, October 30, 2015

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cogito Ergo Sum

Toru,

I agree wholeheartedly with your opinion regarding my essay. You elaborated quite well what I myself tried to point out.

I did, in fact, over-analyze things. But while making the outline, I took proper care (as per my own estimates) not to 'sound' too complex. In my defence (which is pointless now, but still I am doing it for the benefit of you guys so that you don't fall into the same pit) I would say that the outline and the basic structure of my essay revolved EXACTLY around the questions you have posed while telling us what you think should have been my essay's content.

Where do I think I fell short? I didn't replicate the structural simplicity of the outline in the essay. Just as you have quite aptly put it: over-analysis caused my downfall.

Again, all these are just assumptions. Maybe the examiner just saw my handwriting and wrote 20/100 on the top of my sheet. Maybe he didn't like my outline, simple or otherwise. Maybe he was offended by the fact that I began my essay with a quotation from Mr Gandhi. Or maybe he didn't know the meanings of the words/phrases like "paradigm shift", "nihilism" and "zeitgeist". But, gentlemen, if you can keep all these assumptions in mind to produce an essay which has no such 'assumed' shortcomings, that would certainly achieve the purpose of this thread. And I would love to see you guys succeed

P.S.
Please prepare equally well for précis. Odd years (2013,2015) are for the essay, while even (2012, 2014, and probably 2016) are for the précis. Islamiat also lurks somewhere among all these, waiting to stun it's unsuspecting victims!!!

I actually did that. In my second paragraph (after the introduction), I stated my assumption and then went on to prove it. And after that, I moved on to the next points. But this is immaterial now. I still failed

The irony of this exam is, and moreso the assessment that the bit where you presume the examiner may not have liked your handwriting; it is too intuitively appealing. More than what may be classified as reasonable factors. But i guess it means a whole new thing as far as FPSC is concerned.

I also think rigid replication of the outline matters. Why? If i am the examiner and im least inclined to check all your paper, but assuming im conscientious at the same time, i'd go over every topic sentence in your essay to see if you have kept to your structure (and introduced no new ideas). But hey i wouldn't do that now would i? Especially when i know i can give EVERYONE a zero and get away with it lol..

Your contribution has been invaluable Doc. I wish to see more of you here. And i would've wished you good luck had i been uncertain about the future because i know for sure you will do exceedingly well no matter where you are or what you do. Do stick around for the much-needed-help and Sober company to balance the likes of our dear Mr Justice. Its only been 2 days and he's already become a pain in everyone's behind. Haha

Aik Admi · #43 Friday, October 30, 2015

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cogito Ergo Sum

Toru,

I agree wholeheartedly with your opinion regarding my essay. You elaborated quite well what I myself tried to point out.

I did, in fact, over-analyze things. But while making the outline, I took proper care (as per my own estimates) not to 'sound' too complex. In my defence (which is pointless now, but still I am doing it for the benefit of you guys so that you don't fall into the same pit) I would say that the outline and the basic structure of my essay revolved EXACTLY around the questions you have posed while telling us what you think should have been my essay's content.

Where do I think I fell short? I didn't replicate the structural simplicity of the outline in the essay. Just as you have quite aptly put it: over-analysis caused my downfall.

Again, all these are just assumptions. Maybe the examiner just saw my handwriting and wrote 20/100 on the top of my sheet. Maybe he didn't like my outline, simple or otherwise. Maybe he was offended by the fact that I began my essay with a quotation from Mr Gandhi. Or maybe he didn't know the meanings of the words/phrases like "paradigm shift", "nihilism" and "zeitgeist". But, gentlemen, if you can keep all these assumptions in mind to produce an essay which has no such 'assumed' shortcomings, that would certainly achieve the purpose of this thread. And I would love to see you guys succeed

P.S.
Please prepare equally well for précis. Odd years (2013,2015) are for the essay, while even (2012, 2014, and probably 2016) are for the précis. Islamiat also lurks somewhere among all these, waiting to stun it's unsuspecting victims!!!

I actually did that. In my second paragraph (after the introduction), I stated my assumption and then went on to prove it. And after that, I moved on to the next points. But this is immaterial now. I still failed

Cogito you quoted Gandhi in a Pakistan Civil Service exam to start your essay with? What the heck? What were you thinking...yeah... I am almost sure that even a majority of the forum members - despite their intellectual calibre - would take offense to an essay starting with the quotation of Gandhi...Not even 10% of the members would know about the towering personality this dhoti clad 'simpleton' had.

FPSC must have marked, "Raw Agent - Disqualified. Investigate for any links. Refer to counter-intelligence department." For me, this was what got you off the race. Thanks for candidly sharing it

Quote:

Originally Posted by LNaqvi

discussion is really horrifying :P ... I am scared/confused please guys dont make it this difficult :/

Don't worry. We are trying to figure out what went wrong with the essays of the esteemed members. Factors found so far are:

Handwriting
Length of Essays
Overuse of difficult words
Complex outlines and arguments
Quotations from personalities considered anti-Pakistan

Believe me this effort will pay insha Allaah

Quote:

Originally Posted by silent dua

i dont remember the exact but i start the intro with the words as terrorism is a biggest menace that is taking the whole world under it. then i mention about its drawbacks including human rights violation
i also mentioned about the world situation after WW1 aND ww2 and sufferings of these ppl till date, then iraq, afghan war and its impacts on humans lives, drone strikes etc
then i wrote about the conflict of interest of super powers whose basic aim is to set their hegemony rather than curbing terrorism thats why they dont care about human rights and gave examples in this regard in the end i wrote some measures to stop violation of rights and find other means of reducing terrorism

I think you're talking about too many things here. You spread your essay thin. If it were focused it could've done the trick. Your outline shows that you're no short of ideas but were perhaps oversupplied that day.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cogito Ergo Sum

Toru,

I agree wholeheartedly with your opinion regarding my essay. You elaborated quite well what I myself tried to point out.

I did, in fact, over-analyze things. But while making the outline, I took proper care (as per my own estimates) not to 'sound' too complex. In my defence (which is pointless now, but still I am doing it for the benefit of you guys so that you don't fall into the same pit) I would say that the outline and the basic structure of my essay revolved EXACTLY around the questions you have posed while telling us what you think should have been my essay's content.

Where do I think I fell short? I didn't replicate the structural simplicity of the outline in the essay. Just as you have quite aptly put it: over-analysis caused my downfall.

Again, all these are just assumptions. Maybe the examiner just saw my handwriting and wrote 20/100 on the top of my sheet. Maybe he didn't like my outline, simple or otherwise. Maybe he was offended by the fact that I began my essay with a quotation from Mr Gandhi. Or maybe he didn't know the meanings of the words/phrases like "paradigm shift", "nihilism" and "zeitgeist". But, gentlemen, if you can keep all these assumptions in mind to produce an essay which has no such 'assumed' shortcomings, that would certainly achieve the purpose of this thread. And I would love to see you guys succeed

P.S.
Please prepare equally well for précis. Odd years (2013,2015) are for the essay, while even (2012, 2014, and probably 2016) are for the précis. Islamiat also lurks somewhere among all these, waiting to stun it's unsuspecting victims!!!

I actually did that. In my second paragraph (after the introduction), I stated my assumption and then went on to prove it. And after that, I moved on to the next points. But this is immaterial now. I still failed

How to prepare for Précis and Composition brother? Isn't that paper commonsensical and the rest objective? What are the potential pitfalls there? Anyone?

Monk · #44 Friday, October 30, 2015

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cogito Ergo Sum

I wrote on the human rights topic, about 18 pages, 1900 words give or take, and a complete 1-page outline.

This is what I think was wrong with my essay:-

-I don't have a "good" handwriting. It's legible, though. But I think it is bad enough to secure a place in the list of wrong things.

-I might have been interpreted to be going off-topic when, right after my introductory paragraph, I discussed the pre-war human rights situation in the West and the East. While sitting on that broken chair in my exam centre, the statement "war on terror has contributed to the GROWING abuse of human rights" appeared to me to be demanding an explanation of how the WOT had contributed to the ALREADY ongoing abuses of human rights in some places. For that purpose, I felt a need to start off with my perspective regarding the nature of human rights abuses being made across the world since before the WOT. This probably became my biggest mistake. It was purely a case of misjudgment, as I thought that each word in the title of an essay has a significance and should be done justice with.

-I had failed in 2013, and one of the senior people I met after 2013 essay fiasco guided me to use a very simple language, especially in the first few pages. I tried my best to do that, but I still ended up using some 'apparently' difficult words and phrases in the introduction. When I confessed this sin of mine to a senior qualifier (who happens to be a friend as well), he told me pointblank that I wasn't going to clear the essay because the checker might feel offended by the 'complexity' (rather lack of simplicity) of my language and expression. Personally, I would never have done this if I had considered those words "complex"; they were regular, commonplace words to me and I assumed that's they way it would be for anyone who reads ANY kind of English stuff.

-Instead of just listing out the abuses, I decided to talk about HOW the W.O.T had given rise to an environment conducive to the abuse of human rights. This is my second big mistake. I should have kept it simple and ordinary: WOT has done this, this, this and that. The end. Though I did mention some particular, significant abuses, but they were mentioned in passing, as a means to strengthen my core arguments, instead of being "the highlights" of my essay.

Takeaway message: be simple, ordinary, to the point. And pray, a lot. Because if you choose to interpret something in a way that doesn't fall in line with the examiner's own interpretation of the statement, you're very much screwed.

P.S.

Being a failed candidate, I do not consider myself worthy of passing verdict regarding my own essay. A failed candidate can only tell you what NOT to do. But, to know what to do, I would suggest that you wait for more qualifying candidates to comment here.

I'm feeling sleepy right now but let me tell you that there was nothing wrong in your Essay it was of international standard neither you digress from topic nor you broken any rule of Essay. Nono it's not a praise it's my assessment (which obviously can be wrong).Why you failed? There are two major reasons behind it.

1: Poor writing
2: Your Essay was too dense for CSS

Since first point is self explanatory so allow me to elaborate second one. A month back in a result anticipation thread you posted your Essay. After having glance at it I felt that you're going to fail because I thought you wrote irrelevant material and digressed from topic. ( my feelings were not different from Toru at that time)

Then you asked me "what's wrong with my Essay". To answer your query i read your Essay again with full attention to bring out critique of your Essay. Guess what happened then? I realised your essay is well connected and you proved your point. At the same time I also realised that your essay is too dense to get you pass marks since I have to read your essay twice to get your meaning.( Examiner reads only once).

That's why i sided with @darkmoon whose essay was self explanatory and I wrote:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Monk

Such self explanatory outlines fall in the good books of checkers. I hope his approach isn't one sided in Essay, outline suggests that he hasn't missed the point. If you compare this Essay with the Essay of Cogito Ergo Sum then one can clearly see that Cogito has stolen the march but looking through the eyes of checker , Darkmoon seems to be on safe side
)

You didn't Pass because the system of FPSC is too outdated to give a second chance to unique talent.

waqarabbasi · #45 Friday, October 30, 2015

does writing matter to such an extent? as i heard its only the matter of legiblity, not the beauty of writing. i also have a very poor writing, but that is easy to read than what is your advice in case of poor writing.

kingfalcon · #46 Friday, October 30, 2015

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cogito Ergo Sum

Toru,

I agree wholeheartedly with your opinion regarding my essay. You elaborated quite well what I myself tried to point out.

I did, in fact, over-analyze things. But while making the outline, I took proper care (as per my own estimates) not to 'sound' too complex. In my defence (which is pointless now, but still I am doing it for the benefit of you guys so that you don't fall into the same pit) I would say that the outline and the basic structure of my essay revolved EXACTLY around the questions you have posed while telling us what you think should have been my essay's content.

Where do I think I fell short? I didn't replicate the structural simplicity of the outline in the essay. Just as you have quite aptly put it: over-analysis caused my downfall.

Again, all these are just assumptions. Maybe the examiner just saw my handwriting and wrote 20/100 on the top of my sheet. Maybe he didn't like my outline, simple or otherwise. Maybe he was offended by the fact that I began my essay with a quotation from Mr Gandhi. Or maybe he didn't know the meanings of the words/phrases like "paradigm shift", "nihilism" and "zeitgeist". But, gentlemen, if you can keep all these assumptions in mind to produce an essay which has no such 'assumed' shortcomings, that would certainly achieve the purpose of this thread. And I would love to see you guys succeed

P.S.
Please prepare equally well for précis. Odd years (2013,2015) are for the essay, while even (2012, 2014, and probably 2016) are for the précis. Islamiat also lurks somewhere among all these, waiting to stun it's unsuspecting victims!!!

I actually did that. In my second paragraph (after the introduction), I stated my assumption and then went on to prove it. And after that, I moved on to the next points. But this is immaterial now. I still failed

That's the thing, this is FPSC and Pakistan, we shouldn't think of writing essays for top universities in the world. Probably some public sector university's english teacher will be checking it for Rs 50 per paper, maybe not him/her even as they might give it to their students and your whole life would lie in the hands of english language students at a not so good public sector university.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aik Admi

Cogito you quoted Gandhi in a Pakistan Civil Service exam to start your essay with? What the heck? What were you thinking...yeah... I am almost sure that even a majority of the forum members - despite their intellectual calibre - would take offense to an essay starting with the quotation of Gandhi...Not even 10% of the members would know about the towering personality this dhoti clad 'simpleton' had.

FPSC must have marked, "Raw Agent - Disqualified. Investigate for any links. Refer to counter-intelligence department." For me, this was what got you off the race. Thanks for candidly sharing it

I quoted Abraham Lincoln and Confucius too by the way, I hope they didn't have a problem with that :P

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aik Admi

Don't worry. We are trying to figure out what went wrong with the essays of the esteemed members. Factors found so far are:

Handwriting
Length of Essays
Overuse of difficult words
Complex outlines and arguments
Quotations from personalities considered anti-Pakistan

Believe me this effort will pay insha Allaah

Very very good effort Aik Admi, I am impressed with your research and investigation skills. I too had very joining handwriting which many people in Pakistan have a problem with (However, it is fine when foreigners see it), length issue is also correct as they seem to count pages. Difficult words and complex arguments thing seems right as well since I seriously doubt the calibre of our examiners (even if they have good calibre, they are overburdened and don't check our papers seriously).

Quote:

Originally Posted by Monk

I'm feeling sleepy right now but let me tell you that there was nothing wrong in your Essay it was of international standard neither you digress from topic nor you broken any rule of Essay. Nono it's not a praise it's my assessment (which obviously can be wrong).Why you failed? There are two major reasons behind it.

1: Poor writing
2: Your Essay was too dense for CSS

Since first point is self explanatory so allow me to elaborate second one. A month back in a result anticipation thread you posted your Essay. After having glance at it I felt that you're going to fail because I thought you wrote irrelevant material and digressed from topic. ( my feelings were not different from Toru at that time)

Then you asked me "what's wrong with my Essay". To answer your query i read your Essay again with full attention to bring out critique of your Essay. Guess what happened then? I realised your essay is well connected and you proved your point. At the same time I also realised that your essay is too dense to get you pass marks since I have to read your essay twice to get your meaning.( Examiner reads only once).

That's why i sided with @darkmoon whose essay was self explanatory and I wrote:

You didn't Pass because the system of FPSC is too outdated to give a second chance to unique talent.

Right Monk, but the system of FPSC/CSS is not outdated, it's a rotten relic. Make the current BPS 20-22 officers sit in CSS exams and I tell you, majority will fail it miserably.

Quote:

Originally Posted by waqarabbasi

does writing matter to such an extent? as i heard its only the matter of legiblity, not the beauty of writing. i also have a very poor writing, but that is easy to read than what is your advice in case of poor writing.

I think it does, they seem to hate joining handwriting because it is difficult for them.

Mohammad Qamer Hussain · #47 Friday, October 30, 2015

What they see in Essay ?
That is my second attempt and I will share the things which every person while writing the essay lack.
First and foremost thing is Hand writing. When I was taking the exam I used to see people around me and they had such a bad hand writing that I asked myself *Are they the students of 5th class*?
Second that students don't understand what is the topic of their essay ? They had rote reading about few topics and they just keep on writing.
Third is that always use the simple language and let your thoughts to free flow from mind. As 2015 was my second attempt and I passed all my compulsory subjects in 2014 attempt with great marks and was not able to take the optional subjects.
I attempted the first essay about Human rights things and I started with quotation of a terrorist and put many interview clippings of terrorists and drone victims plus people who had been mishandled by terrorist organizations. I had not put a single quotation of any renowned author. Yeah except few Quotations by Aymen Al Zahriwi.
My essay was complete in research and had tables of for every thing which I wanted to tell to the examiner.
My outline was around two and half pages plus it had everything in it. And essay had words around 4500. So it was basically a research paper.
Caution ⚠
Never use high vocabulary.
Essay should be simple .
Fact .
My brother has got 79 marks in composition but was only able to secure 30 in essay. So how that is possible ? Because he used words which are even hard to even find in dictionary. Trust me.

mujtaba laghari · #48 Friday, October 30, 2015

It is mentioned in the revised syllabus of CSS "Candidates are expected to reflect comprehensive and research based knowledge on a selected topic. Candidate’s articulation, expression and technical treatment of the style of English Essay writing will be examined."
Is it right in essay they check your research based knowledge along with writing styles? Is each and every topic in essay paper required research based knowledge to attempt it?

kingfalcon · #49 Friday, October 30, 2015

Quote:

Originally Posted by mujtaba laghari

It is mentioned in the revised syllabus of CSS "Candidates are expected to reflect comprehensive and research based knowledge on a selected topic. Candidate’s articulation, expression and technical treatment of the style of English Essay writing will be examined."
Is it right in essay they check your research based knowledge along with writing styles? Is each and every topic in essay paper required research based knowledge to attempt it?

Oonchi dukan, pheka pakwan..!

Mohammad Qamer Hussain · #50 Friday, October 30, 2015

They demand mostly research based knowledge. And you should be accurate in English grammar which is a pet thing. Every topic in English or in Urdu language has research in it. So just make yourself a pro in research first .

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The Following User Says Thank You to therevenant For This Useful Post:
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