Originally Posted by aniya warraich

I cant check it in toto. However, ill mention some mistakes that I observed.

1. There needs to be coherence between paragraphs. Each and every single paragraph needs to be coherent; each and every single line within a para should be in continuity with the last. The last line of a para should close the point that it meant to elaborate from the outline.
e.g. the fourth para and its thesis statement dont make sense to me!

2. There are some grammatical mistakes. Plus the usage of colons, semicolons would add to the beauty of an essay. You havent used any I think.

3. The last line of the first para doesnt make sense. Such mistakes in the first 3 pages of your essay would turn out to be fatal.

4. The fourth line of your third para is too long. Long sentences without proper punctuation result in unforgivable mistakes that the examiner takes serious offence to! Write small sentences preferably; clauses in long sentences should be properly separated by appropriate punctuation.

5. Altogether new system or all together new system?

6. A dire need for reforms is the need of the hour? Using need two times is unnecessary. Work on the form of sentences.

I hope this helps in improvement.