Kindly assess my essay

[Asif Junejo]

SALAM FRIENDS
Here is the essay wrote by me. Kindly check this and give your precious recommendations on essay including language, composition, write up,puctuation etc. Every recommendation and advice would warmly be welcomed.


THE IMAGE OF MUSLIMS IN WESTREN WORLD

INTRODUCTION:
The Muslims are the preachers and followers of “the religion of peace”. But unfortunately they are being deemed as terrorists. The theory about Islam has catastrophically been changed after 9/11.

OUTLINES:

Muslims are not as bad as understood.
Some Radical Religionists are misguiding the innocents.
The effect of the behaviors of Westerners.
Some black sheep in Muslim Ummah.
Islam has never taught the violence.
Conditions leading to the Holy war Jihad.
The effects of jihad on Muslim Countries.
The effects of Jihad on European countries.
The war on terror.
The role of Arab countries.
The role of super power countries.
The role of Pakistan
Contradictory effects on trade, commerce, economics, education,health and society
Post 9/11 scenario
Islam v/s other religions
Remedies for improving the image of Muslims
Conclusion

The Muslims are not as bad as thought by the western world. But due to some of the bad situation faced by them, they are turned into violent and rowdy. The history of the cruelties on Kashmiris and Palestinians is not old or outdated. Due to some emotional attachment, Muslims keep hatred for those who are cruel. That’s why some of the Muslims are led to so called Jihad the holy war. However that Jihad is whether in right direction or wrong is a matter of discussion separately.
Another thing worthy of being noted is the behavior shown by the western people. Due to the terrorist activities of a few, all Muslims are thought to be the terrorists. However due to this feeling in westerners, they ill-treat all Muslims. Resultantly, Muslims turn to be violent and react rage.
Some of the black sheep present in Muslims in westerners as whole are creating a sense of hatred for one another. By doing this, they become able too gain their benefits. That is why it is necessary to point out those ones and be punished.
Islam has never taught about violence and terror. It has emphatically asked in Quran and Hadith to remain peaceful. The life of holy prophet is exemplary in this regard. All the Prophets, Sufis and saints taught the world the tolerance. It is due to this that Holy Prophet never got revenge from any of His enemies. The example possibly quoted here is the situation at the time of conquest of Makkah. Contrarily, westerners call Muslims the cruel ones.
The war on terror that broke out post 9/11 has driven the world to the face of danger. It was not wisdom to kill thousands of people besides one criminal. Those who survived in that war turned themselves into Mujahdeen. The land of Afghanistan is still being burnt since then. It was due to this war that Muslims started hating infidels and loving religion mates. The infidels in this regard were the citizens of Europe and America.
Arab countries are not playing as important role as they should. They have not launched a proper campaign in order to tell the western world that all Muslims are not terrorists. Instead, Arab countries are losing unity on account of minor conflicts. This thing again is going to compel Europe to think Muslims as intolerant.
On the other hand so called super power countries are also avoiding the issue. But this is wrong. If there is no peace no one can maintain the position of being super power. Contrarily, U.S has always punished the whole community instead of a particular one. The war started in Afghanistan and Iraq due to presence of Osama and Sadam respectively are the recent examples. They were regarded as terrorists and the countries in which they lived were lethally attacked.
The tragic incident of 9/11 gave the history of the world a new dimension. The Muslims of whole world were labeled as extremists and terrorists after 9/11. USA being the super power and victim proclaimed the war on terror. One Muslim extremist organization named Al-Qaeda had made responsible for the attack. Because of this Muslims were started to be known as the terrorists by the Europeans. Those Muslims on the other hand, named that act as Jihad.
The effects of jihad were not only affected the Muslim world but European nations also. Now Europeans had started hating the bearded men. All the Muslims were seen from the prospective of being terrorists. Due to this tussle, a common Muslim has lost the image of being peaceful and dignified. Americans were demanding the evacuation of Muslims from their countries. A situation of chaos and anxiety was being built.
The role of Pakistan was praise worthy in whole of this bad situation. She came forward and offered the world the possible support. Pakistan herself took part in war of terror against those Islamic extremists. Resultantly the European countries were respecting and admiring Pakistan. It was due to support of Pakistan that the most wanted criminal Osama Bin Laden was attacked and killed by Us forces on 3 May 2011. After this, the respect for Pakistan was further increased in the eyes of Europe.
Due to ray of hatred for Muslims by Europeans, deep effect had been taken place on society, education, economics and health etc. Continuous dislike for Muslims was turning the Europeans violent and rowdy. It has deeply affected the behaviors of Europeans. Those Europeans were passing under a complexion of mind. They also had put restrictions over trade and business with Muslim countries. This as a whole was driving them towards the decline and backwardness in terms of economics, finance and business


Remedies:
All the Muslim countries should banish the criminals and extremists out. This will make the Europeans realize that all Muslims are not bad. Muslims should initiate a campaign against the terrorists and religious extremism. Renowned Muslim leaders should work to end sectarism and violence. Muslim Ummah should establish healthy mutual relationships. They must unite and proceed forward.

Conclusion:
Muslims are definitely not taught the violence and crime. It is due to those social and political conditions that they have decided for the holy war Europeans on the other hand should try to understand Muslims and keep brotherly with them.

[Artemis]

You have some good material here and you do show the understanding of the topic you are writing on. What you need is- try taking one point at a time and elaborate it. This will make paragraphs each with one central theme.

e.g. Consider this para

Some of the black sheep present in Muslims in westerners as whole are creating a sense of hatred for one another. By doing this, they become able too gain their benefits. That is why it is necessary to point out those ones and be punished.

Too many ideas, all mixed up and none elaborated. Tell the reader who are the black sheep, what are they doing, how is it harmful, how to point them out, what purpose will it serve.

Islam has never taught about violence and terror. It has emphatically asked in Quran and Hadith to remain peaceful. The life of holy prophet is exemplary in this regard. All the Prophets, Sufis and saints taught the world the tolerance. It is due to this that Holy Prophet never got revenge from any of His enemies. The example possibly quoted here is the situation at the time of conquest of Makkah. Contrarily, westerners call Muslims the cruel ones.

Write about Quran, hadith and sufis one by one; relating each with the central idea of your essay.

After you have organized all your points in concrete paras, try to form some logical flow through out the essay. That is arrange your paras in such a way that central theme develops as the essay proceeds.

[Asif Junejo]

Originally Posted by Artemis

You have some good material here and you do show the understanding of the topic you are writing on. What you need is- try taking one point at a time and elaborate it. This will make paragraphs each with one central theme.

e.g. Consider this para


Too many ideas, all mixed up and none elaborated. Tell the reader who are the black sheep, what are they doing, how is it harmful, how to point them out, what purpose will it serve.


Write about Quran, hadith and sufis one by one; relating each with the central idea of your essay.

After you have organized all your points in concrete paras, try to form some logical flow through out the essay. That is arrange your paras in such a way that central theme develops as the essay proceeds.

@Artemis

Thanks Artemis for ur kind response .People like u are really aspiration for amateur Css candidates. I have just started essay writing right a few days back. I wanted to know was the potential in me.

Now kindly tell me that can such things and ideas be included in essay even after writing the outlines? Is it necessary to include the religious material while writing the essay?

Sir Im absolutely new to Css. So kindly advice me by keeping in mind whatever I have written that should I join a teacher for essay preparation or for the time being I should practice more?

[Alexkahn]

Its a very good effort on part of a beginner.Let me give you my analysis of your maiden effort.
1.Essay is mostly in an elaborate and paragraph form where the paragraphs need not be extra-ordinarily lengthy.However,they must not be so reduced so that they give the impression of bullet-points.
2.Fresh paragraph must be connected loosely to the preceding one.It brings continuity in your essay.
3.A new issue/argument/type/form/mode/cause/effect must be dealt in a new paragraph and multiplicity of the same must be avoided in one paragraph for the sake of clarity.
4.Causes/effects etc must be arranged in logical order.This way, the checker/examiner will have no difficulty understanding what you want to state.

Keep practicing ad never lose hope.Best of luck.

[Asif Junejo]

Originally Posted by Alexkahn

Its a very good effort on part of a beginner.Let me give you my analysis of your maiden effort.
1.Essay is mostly in an elaborate and paragraph form where the paragraphs need not be extra-ordinarily lengthy.However,they must not be so reduced so that they give the impression of bullet-points.
2.Fresh paragraph must be connected loosely to the preceding one.It brings continuity in your essay.
3.A new issue/argument/type/form/mode/cause/effect must be dealt in a new paragraph and multiplicity of the same must be avoided in one paragraph for the sake of clarity.
4.Causes/effects etc must be arranged in logical order.This way, the checker/examiner will have no difficulty understanding what you want to state.

Keep practicing ad never lose hope.Best of luck.

Thanks Alexkahn for ur kind response.
Can u elaborate the following.
Fresh paragraph must be connected loosely to the preceding one. How?
Causes/effects etc must be arranged in logical order. What do u mean by logical order?

[Alexkahn]

Originally Posted by Asif Junejo

Thanks Alexkahn for ur kind response.
Can u elaborate the following.
Fresh paragraph must be connected loosely to the preceding one. How?
Causes/effects etc must be arranged in logical order. What do u mean by logical order?

If you have to start a fresh paragraph,it shouldn't look a new topic.It must stay connected with what has been stated before.The essay must remain a compact whole.Separate parts but when combined together,it must look as a 'whole'.

Causes/effects etc must be in logical order.When you are asked of your siblings,what do you do?You normally start their names with the eldest first ad moving gradually to the youngest.That's called logical order.
I tried to explain it simply. Hope you understand it.

[Asif Junejo]

Originally Posted by Alexkahn

If you have to start a fresh paragraph,it shouldn't look a new topic.It must stay connected with what has been stated before.The essay must remain a compact whole.Separate parts but when combined together,it must look as a 'whole'.

Causes/effects etc must be in logical order.When you are asked of your siblings,what do you do?You normally start their names with the eldest first ad moving gradually to the youngest.That's called logical order.
I tried to explain it simply. Hope you understand it.

Ok I understood what you wanted to say/teach me. But tell me that how can I manage to connect the paragraphs with one another? I mean whether there would be some words or sentences to start with?