I am applying for Cardiff university scholarship.Competition will be tough so I want my proposal to be excellent.
Kindly suggest changes and best sentences for the following para showing my financial need and why I am choosing Cardiff.

The death of my father in early stage of my life put extra responsibility of financing my family and my education. I literally work tirelessly in my academic and guardian roles. Numerous scholarships and awards made my university experience possible. To meet my expenses I was also involved in teaching Physics and Calculus to high school students.
My country Pakistan has experienced a series of overlapping crisis beginning with terrorism, earthquake, floods and now power crisis. Due to contiguity with Swat and Tribal areas we were greatly affected by Military operations and Internally Displaced People (IDP’s). Our province was a serious victim of the 2010 floods. Four cities, including our city Mardan were overwhelmed by the huge mass of water raised. Thanks to the Government of Pakistan that it helped us in the time of need in form of fee waiver and scholarships. But now as my Bachelor of Electrical Engineering is completed, I have no such help regarding my educational expenses.Now Pursuing my Postgraduate studies at a prestigious university is a dream for me without financial supported.
The deteriorating situation of energy is becoming a nightmare for already ''terror- stricken nation”. I opt to study Electrical Energy Systems abroad rather than at home as I would like to take advantage of the expertise and excellence of the West and apply the skills acquired over there to the service of my own people. United Kingdom best higher education literacy rate, improved research capabilities, and technological developments are a role model for Pakistan. Cardiff University gives the opportunity of high quality education with rich fields of choice and dynamic curriculum. The active university-industry linkage of Cardiff University will give me exposure to fast transient scientific environment and will help me to achieve excellence in my research work.

I think you should review the starting of your statement, try to make it as attractive as possible and do pose yourself a needy student but in an optimistic way. Narrate your previous scholarships as your landmark not plea and try to prove that you are the dedicated one but need guidance and some kindness. Tell them how would you be a resource for them and to your country after education. Highlight your field of intended study, your background in research and grip over the intended subjects.

May Allah shower His blessings on you..

You are going in wrong direction pal.

After reading your post what i can only work out is that you need scholarship and not that you are worthy of A scholarship.

Look friend,there is a harsh and competitive world out there and such decisions as awarding scholarships are made strictly on the basis of merit.There are hundreds of thousand of needy students out there including the students in U.K itself.Need is not something that distinguishes you from others.rewrite your SOP on the following lines.

First of all show the panel your worth and competence by producing your achievements and awards achieved in your academic career.

Secondly show your vision to the panel in the field you are applying for scholarship.You can include the professionals you are inspired from for choosing such and such field.And show them the contributions that you think you can make in that particular field with the help of you degree in cardiff.Tell them why you chose Cardiff by highlighting there contribution in the field you are applying for.

For example if your chosen field is commerce than you can begin by writing the following paragraph:

Hermes, the son of Zeus is the God of commerce in Greek mythology. He is highly revered and praised for circulating wealth on our planet. Today nobody pays tribute to him because his job has been taken by people like you. Ordinary mortals equipped with principles of science and mathematics have made Hermes redundant.

Why don't you mention what got you in Commerce in the first place. Commerce is the engine of modern human society without it the economy cannot function. Show interest in your subject.

You can mention the advancements in commerce since the rise of humans. I'm sure at some point in time two tribes must have decided to trade animal hides and weapons to boost well being of their members. Since then many advancements have been made in your field. Please read academic papers in your discipline and mention them in your SOP.

Thirdly demonstrate your need for a scholarship.

The panel will assess your application in many different respects and also in comparison with others.So, a well written SOP can really make a difference.

Also look for guide on writing SOP on cardiff university website and on other online sources.Just nail it bro.Good Luck.

__________________
Puppet,Slave,Lover

Thank you Abdul Q and mjkhan for your kind reply.
These were some excerpts from my SOP.These para are intended to show my need.
My full SOP

Since my earliest school days I have been interested in the pursuit of knowledge and truth, a search which was inspired by my parents and nurtured by my teachers. My aim is to pursue a research career which involves innovative creations, and meets the ever increasing demands of our society and industry. My innate liking and aptitude for ingenious and novel ideas has motivated me to pursue undergraduate studies in Electrical Engineering, which I feel offers immense scope for creativity.
My interest in the subject is not limited to Pure Electrical Engineering; it spreads out to encompass its applications in everyday life as well. Among other disciplines, I am interested in Electrical Energy Systems, Control Systems and Digital Signal Processing. The notion of programming and designing efficient systems to achieve desired output greatly fascinates me. “Develop Systems that deliver what they promise” is a personal goal I will be trying to achieve in my higher studies.
A strong sense of responsibility and a wish to perform 100% all the time enable me to maintain good academic record throughout my career. I was able to study at Islamia College Peshawar (ICP) due to my good high school marks. My academic record continues to flourish at ICP and I consistently stood among the top rankers. My 13th position in university entrance test enables me to secure admission in Department of Electrical Engineering, one of competitive field in University of Engineering & Technology Peshawar.
(The death of my father in early stage of my life put extra responsibility of financing my family and my education. I literally work tirelessly in my academic and guardian roles. Numerous scholarships and awards made my university experience possible. To meet my expenses I was also involved in teaching Physics and Calculus to high school students.
My country Pakistan has experienced a series of overlapping crisis beginning with terrorism, earthquake, floods and now power crisis. Due to contiguity with Swat and Tribal areas we were greatly affected by Military operations and Internally Displaced People (IDP’s). Our province was a serious victim of the 2010 floods. Four cities, including our city Mardan were overwhelmed by the huge mass of water raised. Thanks to the Government of Pakistan that it helped us in the time of need in form of fee waiver and scholarships. But now as my Bachelor of Electrical Engineering is completed, I have no such help regarding my educational expenses.)
The deteriorating situation of energy is becoming a nightmare for already ''terror- stricken nation”. I opt to study Electrical Energy Systems abroad rather than at home as I would like to take advantage of the expertise and excellence of the West and apply the skills acquired over there to the service of my own people. United Kingdom best higher education literacy rate, improved research capabilities, and technological developments are a role model for Pakistan. Cardiff University gives the opportunity of high quality education with rich fields of choice and dynamic curriculum. The active university-industry linkage of Cardiff University will give me exposure to fast transient scientific environment and will help me to achieve excellence in my research work.
Behind my achievements is a strong desire to learn and motivate others by my own positive example .I strongly believe that my undeterred enthusiasm, motivation, capacity for hard work and strong technical skills, I will be able to successfully complete my graduate studies. Pursuing my Postgraduate studies at a prestigious university is a dream for me without financial support. My economic conditions don’t allow me fulfill my ambition of becoming a research scholar unless supported.
I hope my credentials will merit me admission at your university with full financial assistance.

__________________
Nothing is Permanent but Change.

I skimmed, in all honesty, over the SOP and it shows the effort that's been put into it.

I had my fair share of chances to apply to a lot of scholarships and here are my 2 cents, if that helps:

- Try Not to focus too much on 'florid' language, it shows.
- Talking in the context of your sop, the backdrop about you and your need for a scholarship flows nicely, but I could not really connect to as to WHY cardiff and why the chosen field.

Think someone rightly mentioned, surf the cardiff website and see what the Cardiff is known for. Try to see what HAPPENING the your desired Dept at Cardiff. Look into major professors and their work (which is mentioned more often than not) and try to connect to all that is showing how Cardiff suits U and how the program gives you an edge. Be specific and clear, avoiding the vanity of being vague (florid lingo )

Just a check, make sure you are answering all the questions being asked in the criteria for the sch, if any.