Despite some shortcomings in your outline, your attempt is highly praiseworthy. There is a flow of ideas in your introduction. It is outstanding. And according to my knowledge there are no obvious mistakes of grammar in throughout of your attempt. Just keep it up. You deserve 60/100..

General structure of Essay and paragraph is:

Introduction usually consist of two things ( Motivator+ thesis Statement), but the method to grab the attention of your reader through Motivator vary writer to writer. You may start your introduction with the quotation , an anecdote, dialogue, opposite opinion etc, but keep one thing in your mind that whatever you write should be relevant. The purpose of all these methods is one i.e. to catch the attention of your reader. secondly, Thesis statement, a statement which shows your stance on the given topic, is of utmost importance for the examiner. you should write you stance or thesis statement in a very well manner.

In addition, Intro may also be the precis/summary of your complete essay which may be revolve around 150 to 200 words. In sum, you whole essay should be look like that:

Introduction ( Consist of Motivator + Thesis Statement) then,
Body
Body consist of paragraphs and paragraph depends on your outline.
Paragraph contains:
the Topic sentence , the first sentence of your paragraph, which is followed by the Specific supports,
Specific support consist of three kinds of supports:
- Statements by authority ( you may quote some well-known authority)
- Examples ( may include relevant examples to support your topic sentence)
- statistics ( fact and figures work here. In fact, it add beauty to your essay)
then,
Conclusion:
Conclusion contains,
Reworded Thesis Statement + Clincher( Clincher is your final statement which shows that your essay has been finished.
Yeah Conclusion may be the complete summary of your essay as well but in different words.
Hope it helps.
Good luck!

__________________
"Our Lord, give us the good in this world and the good in the hereafter." (Al-Qur'an, 2:201).

INTRODUCTION
1.worst condition of women
2.women's dismal state in pakistan

WOMEN STATUS IN PAKISTAN
1.gender discrepancies in educational sector
2.poor security /lack of protection
3.harassment
4.lack of respect for women
5.Gender Discrimination in the Workplace
6. Prejudices and bias against women
7.domestic voilance against women
8.dowery
9.other social problems(watta satta marriages, vani,exclusion from inheritence,)


CAUSES OF WOMEN ABUSE / HARDSHIP IN PAKISTAN
1.illiteracy
2.Cultural restrictions
3.women's dependence on men
4.Male Dominance Over Women
5.conservativeness and feudalism
6. poverty
7.negligence of Governament
8.absence of law and orders regarding women security
9..wrong presentation of islamic rules and laws

SUGGESTION FOR BETTERMENT OF WOMEN
1.Emphasis on Women Education
2.Gender equality
3.Confer basic legal rights
4.policy making in this regard
5.consider them dignified and respectable/ impart them dignity and respect
6.Protection of Women from Domestic Violence
7.bills passed by Governament
8.women protection act
9. legislation against social customs and prejudices

CONCLUSION


INTRODUCTION
we have seen phenomenal changes across the world in recent decades,but the status and fate of women, who have been so badly treated through the centuries in almost all cultures, hasn’t changed much.Women in Pakistan remain at the bottom of the socio-economic ladder, and endure both physical and mental hardships at the hands of men due to social and cultural norms.In pakistan women are unfairly traeted.Education is the right of every human but unfortunately in Pakistan women are still deprived of education. In Pakistan the story of a woman's deprivations start even before her birth, because the girl-child is not a particularly 'wanted' child. Her life is a journey of subordination. When she is young her father decides for her on matters ranging from whether she will get any education, to the all important matters to whom she would marry. After marriage, her husband and her in-laws get hold of her reins.In addition to that, women in Pakistan face all kinds of gross violence and abuse.Multiple forms of violence include rape; domestic abuse as spousal murder, mutilation, burning and disfiguring faces by acid, beatings; ritual honour-killings and custodial abuse and torture.
women are being abused by some atrocious elements of our society. Karo-Kari,Swara and Vaani are such crimes that are deeply upheld by the stone-age minded people.The women in pakistan do not possess their due rights given by islam, constitution and law.the only need is to wake up pakistani people for protection of women rights.

Try to overcome my shortcomings... seniors please guide me... i want to improve my writing kindly indicate my mistakes...

Your effort to attempt the same essay again for correcting your mistakes which you have committed in the previous one shows your determination and firm will to improve your shortcomings and to make yourself a skillful writer. I appreciate you. You have improved a lot in your this attempt. Your outline is relevant and precise. This time, introduction is well-made and coherent. No apparent mistakes of grammar. However, there is always some room for improvement. I have made a fragile attempt to point out those things which are mistakes in my view. I firmly believe that if you keep up doing work with the same spirit, you will achieve what you are striving for.

Thank you for guidance and appreciation...Thanks for your kind words which encourage me to continue my performance effectively...

This is the topic for essay:
Democracy; and democracy in Pakistan

You should work on your outline as most of the headings are overlapping the other or do not expressing itself. You must see the outlines made by qualifiers.


I am only trying to polish your intro so that you get to know how to make your introduction coherent,comprehensible, and well-organized.


In recent decades, we have seen phenomenal changes across the world. However, the status of women could not be changed in Pakistan. She still remains at the bottom of socio-economic ladder and are enduring both the physical and mental hardships. Moreover, Education is the right of every male and female. Unfortunately, Pakistani women are being deprived of their basic right of education. In fact, she is an unwanted child, because parents usually prefer male-child, so her endurance begins with her birth. Furthermore, she is being considered as babe and her views are not taken into consideration. She is always minors, subject to some male – to her father, to her brother, or to some of her male kin………….

__________________
"Our Lord, give us the good in this world and the good in the hereafter." (Al-Qur'an, 2:201).

This is my attempt. Members are requested to assess it.

Democracy; Democracy in Pakistan.




Outline

1-Introduction.
a,most effective form of government.
b,ensures peoples' freedom and welfare.

2-Other types of government.
a, Dictatorship/authoritarian government.
b, Monarchy
c, Aristocracy.
d, Plutocracy.
e, Anarchy/militant regime.

3-Elements and advantages of democracy.
a, based on will of people.
b, ensures public participation in state's affairs.
c, requirement for Good governance.
d, Secures human fundamental rights.
e, promotes peace and order in society.
f, Makes working of institutions free, fair and efficient.

4-Democracy in Pakistan
a, flawed democracy.
b, Peoples' need are not being fulfilled.
c, Representatives are not accountable for their misconduct

5-Causes of failure of democracy.
a, Feudalism and family politics.
b, Illiteracy.
c, Corruption and nepotism.
d, Lack of accountability.
e, Ethnic and sectarian disturbances.
f, Institutional clashes.
g, Lack of political consensus.
h, Military interventions
I, External factors

6-Future of democracy in Pakistan.
a, Political awareness is increasing.
b, Institutions are getting independence and efficiency.
c, Media is performing its duty.
d, We are progressing towards true democracy.

7-Suggestions/remedies.
a, Public relations be strengthened.
b, National integration and political consensus is inevitable.
c, Accountability of government be ensured.
d, There is a need of protecting fundamental human rights.

8-Conclusion.

Introduction
Humans long journey from cave to the age of computer has enabled them to understand the difference between democracy and other forms of government. By now, they are convinced that most effective system of government is democratic. However, democracy must not be understood in the form where an overwhelming majority can compel the state authority to accept their demands howsoever immoral; even the legalization of same sex marriages. Rather, it is a negation of all tyrannical systems of ruling the masses. The concept of police state has disappeared in which government had only to protect the citizens from external aggression. Now state has to engage itself into all such activities as are necessary for the welfare of people. The democratic government is but the will of people. It strives to fulfill the aspirations and needs of people. As a matter of fact, the democracy in Pakistan is not in its true shape. It's flawed. A deep and impartial analysis of the circumstances proves it beyond doubt that we are lacking the true democratic principles. Peoples' needs are seldom being met. And the most important determinant of democracy which is accountability of rulers is also absent. There are many causes behind this sorry state of affairs. Feudalism, illiteracy, corruption, lack of accoutability, ethnic and sectarian disturbances, institutional instabilities, political bickering and frequent military interventions are the most conspicuous reasons which are impeding the effective working of democracy. However, we are moving towards a real democratic set-up. And the signs of this has begun to appear. People are getting awareness about politics and their fundamental rights. The institutions are becoming more effective in their functioning. Media is vocal. Judiciary is doing its duty. These changes, which are the result of a long and unflinching struggle show that we are progressing towards a true democratic order. If some worthy and sincere steps are taken, there is every possibility that we will be able to acquire a true democratic system of government.

hi,
brother if you modify your outline it will be good.
Future of democracy in pakistan.
1_political consciousness.
2_institutions will be strengthen.
3_media will be more libral.
these are my suggestions if you consider.
you organised essay very well.
thanks.

Energy Crises in Pakistan
Outline:
1. Introduction
2. Meaning of energy crises
3. Historical prospective
4. Current situation of energy in Pakistan
5. Main causes
a) Under utilization of installed capacity
b) Political hurdles in development of dams
c) Lack of foreign exchange to purchase energy
d) Line losses
e) Lack of technical abilities
f) Poor usage by people
g) Poor management by government
h) Corruption
i) International pressures
j) Lack of political will to tackle this issue
6. Effect of energy crises
a) Unemployment
b) Poor crops
c) Decrease in exports
d) Increase in imports
e) Pressure on economy
f) Inflation
g) Destruction of local industry
h) Psychological effect on people
7. Solution of energy crises
a) Development of Kalabagh dam, Bhasha dam and Neelam Jehlam project on priority basis
b) Tax reforms to generate revenue
c) Thar coal project
d) Exploring new sources of energy (wind energy, sun energy, bio mass energy etc)
e) Developing peace pipe line on urgent basis
f) Ensure transparency in projects
g) Good governance
8. Conclusion