Originally Posted by urfa khan

i want to improve my writing skills nd for this what should i do first read and enhance my vocab then write ya first focus on grammer etc etc........ your suggestions or guidance to sara shows ur fine grip and command on english so i prefer to shaaaaaaaaare my this major problem with you....

Originally Posted by nadiamughal

IDPs Internally displaced persons
Internally displaced persons are the groups or individuals forced or obliged to flee their homes particularly as a result to(either use in a bid to avoid armed conflict or in result of armed conflict avoid armed conflict, generalized violence, natural disasters,use and instead of comma violation of humen rights.sentence should be ended here to avoid ambiguity who remain in their own countries.Over the years Pakistan has experienced large scale humenhuman displacement due to several facters behind. In 2009 millitary operations against militants in FATA caused massive humen displacement and again in 2010 large scale displacent occurred due to worst flooding in Khyber pakhtun khawa and sindh. The large scale displacement crisis in 2009 and 2010 were the only latest humen exodus in Pakistan they are precede by dislocation of population following clashes between rival militant and sectarian groups in tribal areas,military operation against the insurgents in FATA, insurgents in Balochistan,generalized violence ond discrimination,violation of humen rights,natural and humen caused disasters, devastating earthquakes as in Khayber pakhtun khawa,havoc caused by floods and displacement due to developmental projects such as construction of water reservoir.......dear you stuffed too many things in single sentence.Result is you yourself could not get that how to tackle that.Shorten your sentences All indicaters suggest that internal displacement will remain a key issue in pakisatn at least in near future.

Since internally displaced persons remain within the territorial jurisdiction of their own countries,thus, the primary duty and responsibility to provide protection and humanitarian assistance to them ,without discrimination and violation, violation of what? ison the shoulders of state. Internally displaced remained a dismay in our territory since 1979 when exodously displaced persons came to Pakistan due to soviet intervention and exploitation in Afghanistan and overburdened the tribal areas caused resource pressure in already scarce areas.they were not internally displaced,they were refugees.For a moment if they were IDP's,even then this sentence is over burdened too. Despite hosting one of the world’s largest displaced populations in recent times the refugees are so exhorbiant in number that Pakistan has failed to accommodate them and provide social securities and protection as well that caused the huge militancy in tribal belt and the net result is insurgency in remote areas for their rights and other ill defined motives. Dear check this sentence,it's lacking in structure as well as your reasoning is faulty too.

Several other facters aggravated the dismal situation of displacement and worsend the humanitarian crisis and country is still facing humanitarian and economic crisis due to IDPs. Many of the crisis arised due to overwhelming focus on emergency situation and mitigation instead of pre protection and imidiate needs/protection of displaced rather than being rights-centric. The majority of the internally displaced persons could not get the securities provided by state due to favourtism and concession to the affected populations. The concerns for displacement are so many that range from disaster management and policy implementation the host community affordability. All individuals who suffer enforced displacement are exposed to a range of vulnerabilities and a sense of disempowerment besides heavy deaths property loss as in natural disasters. Women and children often suffer the most particularly in conflict-induced displacement settings. Higher dependence on host community caused a pressure on resources which annoyed the masses in getting the basic commodities as well as psychological damage.

On the ground realities the massive displacement demands an urgent and viable solution in which the Pakistan has beend badely failed. Sawat operation has been termed as largest humanitarian crisis internationally. Provision of basic necessities (food,shelter,clothing,sanitation), rehabilitation and livelihood restoration, psychological support of diprived and needy, accountable distribution of protection, medical facilities as in natural, provision of humen rights, non discriminatory relief and coordination of aid and assistance are short term solutions in general and better disaster management and policy implementation and effective and oversight accountable institutions of disaster control,proactive measures are some long term solutions in particular.

The magnitude and incidence of involuntary displacement in Pakistan in recent times has far exceeded and trend is likely to continue. However the official response has been largely reactive but flawed in formulating a focus on preventing internal disasters. The cumulative effect of natural and human disasters in Pakistan is that humanitarian needs are greater than ever. The casual facters are a complex bunch that cannot b addressed without a concise and practicable policy. Displacement give rise to particular vulnerabilities for women and children specially and need to b focused in comprehensive manner.Ensuring enforcement of humen rights instruments specific to women and children can support for their protection, empowerment and rights in trubbled situation of displacement. Immidiate humanitarian assistance is crucial in internally displaced situations but focus need to move beyond emergency response.

Please evaluate this point out the mistakes where to focus much etc etc. :/

Originally Posted by ssara

Date: August 03,2012: Essay
Why is there no status of the third gender in Pakistan?

Introduction:
What’s my identity? Am I male or female? Some call me hey 50/50 with a huge laughter on their face!!! Some call me the laughing stock of nature. I am unwanted baby of my parents, hated fellow of my brother and sisters. I am just a thing of amusement and unfit in this so-called civilized Muslim society. What’s my fault if I am created like this by my Creator? It was never my choice to be like that! This is not just an introduction of an essay but the painful and unheard melody of the most rare creation of God commonly known as third gender.

To understand the gender it is necessary to understand the sex and gender firstly. As a matter of fact sex and gender are two different entities and are not synonyms. The word sex is used for a male or a female biologically. Whereas the word gender is used for those who are changed by their getup not biologically. For instance, a male is born and after that he prefers to be a female, similarly a female is born but she likes to be a male by changing her getup similarly like a male. However, Third gender is an identity of a gender, which is neither a male nor female. Mostly there are two cases of third gender which are exist, one is from male who wants him to be a female and another is from a female who wants her to be a male weather by their will or by their unwillingly owing to forced by someone in a certain perspective. According to the sociological they are mentioned as “man minus maleness” and “man plus woman”.

During the 9th BC, the Greece had a tradition of categorizing the newborn babies in order to fit them according to their health and mental approaches. After biological analyzing, a certain mark was stamped on their skin in order to recognize them. Although, There were three categorize at that time, the first category was of the royal kings, philosophers and poets. The second was of the military and war fair in order to protect the territory from the external and internal threats. However, the last category, which was considered very cheap and odd, it was of those babies who were born not healthy and sharp naturally and similarly. However, the third category was of the slave and among them the people also were sub categorized and this category was of which we are talking about is the third gender. So, that’s why it is considered that the origin of the third gender is from the Greece exclusively.

Moreover, It is considered that the third gender’s practice had started from china immensely. Besides, the royal kings and the higher authority believed on the third gender blindly owing to their sensitiveness and get them worked in their houses. Besides, they also had been well treated and honored with the queens of the certain areas in china. So, after getting honored in the society the third genders’ profession had become passion for the people. One instance can be taken from the current circumstances that the most population of third gender is in China. However, it was the inspiration of the have been spreading so far. Because, owing to the appreciation this activity and practice explored from china to the other countries such as to Asia, south Asia, Europe and Australia.

The golden era of the third gender is believed during Mughal Empire. During the time of Mughal Empire the third gender was considered at the apex status of them owing to their mystical getup and source of praying. During the great Akabar era, They had very good status and whenever at the time of royal marriage or birth ceremony had to be done, the third genders were invited respectfully to join the ceremony in order to blessing the baby and its parents. Similarly, during the time of Shahjahan and Jahangeer the third gender had outstanding importance. But unfortunately, afterwards from the departure of Aurangzeb, the inefficient successors of Aurangzeb did not give much importance to the third gender. So, they had to spend their lives very miserable conditions. After awful lives they started begging in order to get meal for two times and also they were sexually exploited by the people and considered them cheap and it was very awful for them, from that time till now they have been spending their lives very miserably with fake smile on their faces.

After the war of Independence, the British government made a law for the restriction of hijra and third gender in 1870. Whenever, a third gender was found during practicing such activities, which were indicating (him/her?) to be a third gender then they ware punished. Moreover, a law was framed by the British government which was know as the Criminal Tribes Act and the Dramatic Performance Act for the third gender’s hujra. Resultantly, most of the third gender stopped their such practices and it is the downfall of third gender exclusively.

As far as The Holy Quran’s light on third gender is concerned, as a matter of fact, the third gender’s concerns are not mentioned in the Quran clearly. On the other hand, in the Hadith there are some gestures about the third gender but the scholars have given their diverse explanations in this regard. For instance, there is Hadith (e.g. a hadith in Sunan Abu-Dawud, (Bk. 32, No. 4087). It is written down that the male who behave and dressing like a female and supposed him to be a female and a female who supposed her to be a male and reacted like a male would have to be turn out of their houses. So, the most of the scholars have given their views according to this Hadith and Ulema have suggested that no matter any people found in the family who used to do these activities would have to be turn out from house.

Transgender is a case in which a baby has whit both characteristics of male and female. So, in these cases, it is encouraged for them to go for surgery in order to get them treated to be a male or female according to their body structure and their biological aspects. However, there are other complicated cases in which it has become nearly difficult to justify about their gender owing to the structure of their biological bodies. In this regard the modern science has been doing well in order to get this problem solved. Moreover, In USA, Canada, Australia and France in most of the European countries, also in Asian and African countries there are diverse cases have been found and tackled exclusively.

A conference was held in Malaysia in 1983, in which many experts and concerned delegations discussed the issue that from then if any person found for changing his/her gender would be punished. Although later on in Egypt, some Muslim scholars gave fatwa that the permission should be given to those people who had no choice to do this because of their health diseases.

Furthermore, they were considered in the most of the societies to be a blessed for their childbirth and for their wedding ceremonies. Moreover, they were supported like in India and to the some extend in Pakistan, Srilanka and Bangladesh, Because they were naturally phenomenon. Similarly, an instance can be taken from Indian, in India they had their own residential areas, their community, even they are in the current circumstances they are participating on the superior jobs to the some extend. Besides, according to a research they feel proud to be in that community because they have an old-age customs and traditions.

As a matter of fact, most of the cases have been shown in our society, They are unwilling babies of their home owing to join this community. For instance, a male who join the third gender community is considered cheap and their family members do not support him. Even their mother, father, brother and sisters do not support (him/her?)So, in this way they have to pass their lives very awfully.

However, from the inception of Pakistan, they have not got their legitimate rights and even government does not dare to get them protected from the evils and even in the Quran and Hadith there is no law for inheritance for them. So, they don’t have got any source of income and they have to do unethical and immoral activities in order to get meal for two times in order to be alive.

In diverse festival, marriage hall, and even on the road they entertain the people with their catwalk in order to earn money for living alive. Because, they do not have many sources of job. Even a fake simile can be seen when they dance and become source of entertainment for the public.

As a matter of fact, owing to be sensitive, helpless, and hopeless they have been sexually harassed by the barbarous people mostly in the areas of rural and to the some extent at urban. On the other hand, they have to do these sorts of activities because of great hunger. Moreover, in the rural and urban areas the people have unfairly harassing them so far.

Besides, our electronic media hires them in order to entertain their viewers. It is another social evil for them. Because, it is said above that they have not a lot of resources in order to get them in a job.

There are diverse causes of their awful conditions in the Pakistan. Among them, the poverty is the major cause, which attracts the people to join this profession. Besides, they have not got their legitimate rights, even in Islam there is not described any thing else for them regarding jobs, inheritance and treatment. So that’s why they have to face such unwilling life style. Furthermore, illiteracy is an other factor, because in Pakistan more than 60% people are illiterate. They do not have any idea that what they are doing by joining this profession. Whereas, the government’s polices and her ignorance to the third gander is the biggest cause of this thing. For example, the second gender that is a woman, who has not been successful in order to get her legitimate rights so far. However, owing to these conditions and governments’ implementation of rights, the third genders have been affected a lot. They have to spend their lives miserably.

So, after having intensive studies, the main causes of the third genders are poverty, because in our country there are job crises, It can bee seen that the youth who have got higher studies holding their degrees going pillar to post and post to pillar. They have been putting themselves on the fire, which have been aired by Media many times. Owing to the jobless some people prefer to join the third gender in order to get them alived. Moreover, our government and Supreme Court should provide them their legitimate rights, which have been made for them. No doubt, now they have got the right of the national identify card. But the rest of the rights have not been nearly implemented to the great extend. However, our society has to change its attitudes towards them, we should teach them politely, ethically and respectfully and we have to get them prepared in order to encourage them that they can spend their lives like us. So it is the need of the social behavior change, which must have to be changed, in this regard our media can play a vital role. Besides, Government should start some educational institutions in order to get them prepared for their academic and technically jobs. In addition to job provide, Government has to make reserved quota of jobs for them as they can get their rights legitimately. If these things will be implemented then there is no doubt the third gender trend will be end and decreased and they can get their legitimate rights in order to spend their lives like a normal people.

Conclusion:
To the sum up, the third genders are the part of our society, they are human being like us. So, our society has to take considerable part in order to get them respected like other common people. In this regard, the Media has to work potentially and has to play its vital role for their rights and getting them encouraged. No doubt, they have been spending their lives very miserable owing to the ignorance of government but it is said there is a bright morning after every dark night and will rise like a bright morning. Infact, the present government has taken some practical steps. As a matter of fact, now they have got nationality of Pakistan and with these efforts, certainly the day will come they will have been spending their lives like normal people patriotically.


Dear forum members please do comment and criticize my essay as much as you can I will be thankful to you...And yes please point out my grammatical mistakes.... Thanks...

Regards Sara....

Originally Posted by siangpure

This is a great initiative that you have taken and I think this exercise would help you improve your written expression immensely. Although I am not (yet) a qualifier of the CSS (My first attempt was in 2012 so waiting for result) and would not be in any position to comment on your writing but having worked as an editor and proof-reader of a couple of published books, I have tried to point out some of your mistakes. I think if you eliminate some of these minor mistakes your written expression would become more concise and also more precise. I have highlighted in red in the text below the areas which I think you can improve in.


Apart from the grammatical errors which I have pointed out, I think you can improve the content of your text by writing in more detail. E.g in the text below you have only stated why overpopulation is a problem, what are it's causes and what are it's remedies but you have not really analysed why overpopulation causes other problems like extremism, why is it caused by so and so like illiteracy and why these remedies that you have mentioned would work.


I think if you carry on doing this regularly and with the excellent feedback you are receiving by forum members such as Pearlys you will surely master concise writing concise English.






Date:July 29,2012
Overpopulation, Causes and Remedies

"The hungry world cannot be fed until and unless the growth of its resources and the growth of its population come into balance. Each man and woman—and each nation—must make decisions of conscience and policy in the face of this great problem."

Pakistan is facing a lot of the (you can omit the here) diverse problem(s) in the current scenario. Among the problems, one is overpopulation (One of these problems is overpopulation *this might be a better way to say this as it avoids a connector and also a redundant comma*). It is ever-growing population that has been affecting the country in many spheres (Ever-growing population has been affecting the country in many spheres *only a slight difference but it makes the sentence more precise*). In other words, it would not be false to say that it is the problem, which gives the birth to other grave problems, such as food crisis, terrorism, extremism, poverty, and other like in socio-economic and political spheres (Overpopulation gives birth to other grave problems, such as food crisis, terrorism, extremism, poverty, and other socio-economic and political problems *again slight difference but you can easily make your sentence shorter and more precise by being direct instead using connectors etc*). Although, It is predicated that if in this way Pakistan does not prevent this alarming problem then in the 2050 the third most populated nation would have been Pakistan. So, It is crystal clear, that it is the alarming problem, which must has to be tackled in the priority option. (It is predicted that Pakistan would be the third most populous nation by 2050 if population rates are not drastically reduced. Hence it is clear that this problem must be tackled with immediately. *When you write 'Although' then the next sentence or the second part of the same sentence must negate or resolve what you have said before so if you had written Although Pakistan would be the 3rd most populous nation by 2050 yet this could prove to be a blessing for Pakistan etc. Hence you cannot use 'although' over here. Anyway in my humble opinion you should strive to eliminate all these connectors like although, so, among etc. from your writing as these dont really add flow to the sentences and leads to confusing sentence structure. Also when you wrote 'it is predicted' it should always be followed by the prediction instead of other information for a logical sentence structure. Hence 'it is predicted that Pakistan would be....'*)

However (No need for however here), there are a lot of diverse causes of this alarming problem. But (Again no need for but and in any case I think you should avoid using but at the start of a sentence), the most causes are increasing rate of birth, decreasing rate of death, social influence, illiteracy, instability of government and government’s concurred departments which have been nearly failed to cope this problem such as in health sector, and population welfare family planing also the NGO’s inefficient role. (I think a better way to wrote this whole paragraph would be 'The most important of the many diverse causes of overpopulation are: increasing rate of birth; decreasing rate of death; social influence; illiteracy; instability of government and government’s concurred departments, which have been nearly failed to cope this problem such as in health sector and population welfare family planing; and NGO’s inefficient role.' I know this a longer sentence than the one you made but I think it makes your point clearer in less words.)

As a matter of fact (Again I personally feel you should avoid using these at all costs. You can start with 'Since the inception'), since the inception of Pakistan every possible strategy has been applying (applied) to cope (with) this problem, but owing to the hurdles, (no need for comma here) which are given above, this problem has not been solved like other western countries. However, (I don't think a comma is needed here) for the solution of this problem, (the) prevailing government has to work very (I think very over here can be used but as a general rule 'very should be avoided as much as possible) effectively. The PPP government has little time to tackle this problem. (This should not be a new sentence but a part of the previous one) But, with the Great Spirit (with great spirit) it can be solved earlier. So, there are some steps, (No need for comma here) which have to be taken by the apparent government in order to tackle this problem. Firstly, an effective policy has to be made and in this policy every possible action should be devised. Though (No need for though here start with Priority), the (No need for 'the') prority should be given to the (again no need for 'the') education, family planing Tex connection and sex education should be given to the people in order to aware the masses of this alarming issue. Moreover (This has been used perfectly ), the concerned NGO’s have to be work for the same cause bilaterally.

Originally Posted by zuhaib ahmed

Originally Posted by alihashmatkhoso

There is general tendency to read fictions fiction (novels and short stories) in order to find thrills thrill and excitement and thus to relieve the boredom of life. It is not realized by one that truth or actual accidents of life provedprove more excitement exciting and thrills thrillingthan even fiction.

We read stories of crime and detection because we feel the need of sensation because we like to enjoy sensational stories or because sensationalism never goes out of demand. Butdo not start your sentence with BUT,use substitutes crimesthat are actually committed and manner of their investigation are is (manner is closer to verb & it is singular) even more sensationalend of sentence than fictional crimes and their detection. In ingenuity, in planning and in brutality actual
crimes surpass the fictional crimes.

Matricide, patricide, fratricide, infanticide, homicide, and suicide al are reported by news papers and the accounts of these are hair-rising. Bank hold-ups, highway robberies, smugglings, abductions, kidnappings, criminal assaults on woman, no use of comma before andand rape these and similar other outrages as reported by news paper are more sensational and fascinating that the fictional farefare? served by story writers.

The amorous and sexual adventures of Christine Keeler were found to be stranger and more interesting then those of Madam Bovary. The dramatic rescue of hostages by Israeli commandos at Entebbe airport was more astonishing and thrilling than any fictional episode of the same kind.

The assassination of former prime minister of Pakistan Benazir Bhutto shaheed was more breathtaking, sensational, and baffling than anything in fiction. Indeed, real life offers stranger things than the imagination of a story writer can invent

please point out mistakes...........