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  #131  
Old Sunday, September 08, 2019
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Originally Posted by aishalam View Post
Hello! I'll give my thoughts on it piece by piece. So let's start with the overall structure of the outline. It is thorough and very well thought out. One point I would like to make is that the main topic is The future of Pakistan lies in Education this is essentially covered in your point number 2. Since this is the actual topic itself it should be at least 50-60% of the total outline. The other two sections on the problems with our education system and how to improve it are additional and supplementary. So that's something to consider.

Taking your point two itself; 2. How future of Pakistan lies in education? Add "the" before future.

A. Education brings economic prosperity How? What will education do to help the economy? Be more specific. In fact it has been shown to be quite opposite. if structural changes aren't administered at the same time as education policies we are left with a highly-educated youth who are jobless. Some might turn to entrepreneurship but that requires credit and dealing with a system of rules (both legal and social) which do not support self-employment at all.
B. Education strengthens democracy Good point. Back it up with further sub points; it helps to implement the rule of law, it makes governance smoother, it boosts political participation, it raises accountability etc etc.
C. Education promotes justice Again how? It can raise awareness about your rights and duties but rarely does more education=more justice. In fact America still has issues with its criminal justice system and its lingering prejudice against black men. Where is the justice?
D. It ensures religious tolerance Solid point.
E. It enhances is the quality of health The sentence is grammatically incorrect. But solid point. More education, especially of women, lower infant mortality greatly.
F.. it guarantees gender equalityDoes it? Not really. You can have a Ph.D and still hold outdated views when it comes to gender equality. This is a structural and societal issues. Opening up more schools in an area is not going to make people send their daughters there. There is an issue of opportunity cost as well which is a whole other debate in its own right. Education will not "guarantee" anything.
G. It ameliorates the fields of science and information and technology Solid point. Education (especially higher education) will also boost innovation.

Looking at the above points, I feel you are confusing two thing here. More education does not automatically mean that people will be better citizens, more respectful or even that they will let go of old prejudices and/or biases. These are societal issues and require large changes than just improving the quality and quantity of education.

Here are some more impacts education can have that will better out future; education boosts easy and ready acceptance of new technology (helping us keep pace with the fast-changing world), quality education promotes peace and fosters tolerance and goodwill, Education is an invaluable tool to help empower women, More Education and dispersion of information can bring political stability (through a better understanding and involvement amongst the populace), Formal Education can help reduce chances of citizens falling prey to involvement with extremist organizations (not a given but it does reduce chances of one being blindly brainwashed), better educated citizens are a investment (human capital) and can attract foreign investment etc etc.


3. Why Education fails to bring positive changes in Pakistan? change it to "why education HAS FAILED to bring...". or "why our education policies don't work?"
A. Minimum share for education sector in the budget good point. Also discuss more political issues like how funds are withheld etc.
B. Gender inequality prevails in the sector
C. Corruption is rampant in the sector
D. Education is politicized

Nothing new nor particularly specific in B, C, D. Okay points but not solid arguments.
E. Craming is common
F. Creativity is discouraged
Can be combined into one and simply be a point on how we have focused on quantity in the past not the quality of education.

Add more points to this such as; education policy needs to be integrated with other development plans and especially the requirements of our country. We need more technical and vocation education institutes which directly educate the people for actual jobs. Vocational education is an important part of the education systems around the world especially in countries like Finland, Austria, Germany, New Zealand and Switzerland. It helps give direct jobs to people and prepare them to be contributing members of the economy. We in Pakistan also have a problem of serious adult illiteracy. How can we get these people back to school when there is so much stigma involved?

4. Way forward
A. The state should make education its top priority
B. Obsolete syllabi should be changed
C. Modern facilities should be granted
D. Teachers should be trained effectively
E. Maximum share for education should be allocated in the budget

This is fine. I see no problem with it. More points could be added, especially about integration, but overall very good portion.

In past, education was in a dismal condition in Pakistan. Though, it improved for a certain period of time yet, permanent changes could not be incorporated to bring effective results of education to the society. The present condition of education in Pakistan is also not as effective as it is in developed countries. The future of Pakistan lies in education as it promotes economic prosperity, political stability, balance in society and religious tolerance. Education plays a vital role in the development of a society and it is very crucial for Pakistan to prioritise education at this stage because Pakistan is way behind from other educated nations in terms of advancement in various fields of life. My main issue with your thesis statement/introduction is that it lays undue stress on comparison of Pakistan with other "developed countries". Don't generalize, be specific. Give examples like the Scandinavian nations and the Eastern tigers who all gave priority to improved the quality of their human capital and credit that vision change to be their single most important reason for success and prosperity today. Overall good but could be better. Also remember to include a hook. It does't have a good hook.


I think you have done a pretty good job with this topic. My points above are merely me nit-picking but I think one should never settle for "good enough". I hope my comments helped you in some way. Feel free to ask any questions and I'd be happy to help if I can.
Thank you very much ma'am, you help us a lot. I will try to improve according to the directions you have provided. Thanks

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  #132  
Old Monday, September 09, 2019
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Salam
Mam it's my humble request , kindly check my essay I am anxiously waiting for your remarks
Thanks

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  #133  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sedentary View Post
Future of Pakistan lies in education

Introduction


Outline


1 How future of Pakistan lies in education

a) Education strengthens the democracy

b) It helps in job creation and poverty eradication

c) Education fights best against terrorism and extremism

d) Higher literacy rate results in decline of crimes

e) It ensures economic development

f) Education guarantees gender equality

g)Education helps in building a healthy Nation

h) It is strong tool to control overpopulation

i) Education makes the nation powerful

j) Positive image of the country


2 problems in education system of Pakistan


1) Small amount of budget is allocated

2) Lack of government schools, colleges and universities

3) Poverty forces the poor children to start working

4) Flaws in education system

3 remedies to cure the education system of the country

a) Huge amount of resources are required


b) Opening of new educational institutions


c) Improvements in educational structure

d) Poverty elevation and incentive programs

Conclusion



Introduction
In ancient times wars were waged to conquer the states and its resources. In the contemporary world battles are fought on the economic and diplomatic fronts. Similar results are achieved without bloodshed. It shows that education has transform the world and Pakistan is not an exception. It has changed the directions and goals of the the Nations. Education has brought inventions in all parts of life and modern technology is the most important one. It has enabled men to conquer nature. Today, human being is flying higher and faster than birds. Education has helped Singapore against poverty. It has empowered America to become the superpower state across the globe. On the other hand, Pakistan is facing numerous problems in this modern world. Democratic crisis and flaws in judicial system prevails in the country. In addition, unemployment and poverty rate is jumping day by day. Nonetheless, gender inequality is matter of serious concern in Pakistan. In the same way, illiteracy is encouraging terrorism and extremism in the society. The country is also facing severe economic challenges. In reality, education is best weapon to deal with the the existing problems of Pakistan. In contrary, the question arises whether the country's education sector has potential to meet the crisis certainly the answer is no . The state is spending small amount of budget on its education sector. Millions of children are out of school. Universities are following traditional pattern of teaching and lacking research oriented programs. Besides, all these issues dual education system adds fuel to the fire. To overthrow prevailing problems, Pakistan must invest its highest possible resources on education sector to bring the visible changes. It must be promoted on priority basis. Awareness campaigns must be launched to highlight the importance of modern education. Hence, it shows that if Pakistan wants to progress and prosper in the world, education is only solution for it.


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Hello! Okay so let's start with the formatting of the outline. Always start with an introduction. Also have consistent pattern for all sub-levels. A good outline format looks like this;

1. Introduction
2.
2.1
2.1.1
2.1.2
.
.
2.2
2.3
.
.
3.
3.1
3.2
3.3
3.4
.
.
.
4. Conclusion

You can replace the sub-levels however you like but keep them consistent. for example under your first point 1 How future of Pakistan lies in education the sub levels are alphabets i.e a) b)... but then under
2 problems in education system of Pakistan they are 1) 2)... This gives an outline a haphazard look and will definitely lose marks so develop a single pattern and stick to it.

Now getting to the actual content of the outline itself. You have a good portion of the outline dedicated to the topic so that is always a plus.
1 How future of Pakistan lies in education;
a) Education strengthens the democracy
Solid point. Explain further by adding sub-points; it helps to implement the rule of law, it makes governance smoother, it boosts political participation, it raises accountability etc etc.
b) It helps in job creation and poverty eradication Good point but a little ambiguous. Also can be split into two separate points. Add sub-points to them like education helps entrepreneurial inclinations, strengthens the skill set of human capital, helps the people join new and emerging fields (e.g if you are computer literate you'd have a better chance of being hired).
c) Education fights best against terrorism and extremism Solid point.
d) Higher literacy rate results in decline of crimes Good point. Very specific which is always good.
e) It ensures economic development How? Elaborate.
f) Education guarantees gender equalityEducation can't guarantee this. In my comments on the essay above yours on the same topic which had this point as well I said and I will repeat here; You can have a Ph.D and still hold outdated views when it comes to gender equality. This is a structural and societal issues. Opening up more schools in an area is not going to make people send their daughters there. There is an issue of opportunity cost as well which is a whole other debate in its own right. Education will not "guarantee" anything.
g)Education helps in building a healthy Nation Good point.
h) It is strong tool to control overpopulation Excellent point and very relevant to Pakistan.
i) Education makes the nation powerful How? Diplomatically? Gives us better negotiating power? Politically? How be specific. if you mean many different areas then add sub-points to this level.
j) Positive image of the country Okay point but I'll ask again how?


2 problems in education system of Pakistan
1) Small amount of budget is allocated
Good point. Add further sub-points like lack of integration and coordination of education policy, corruption and withholding funds etc.
2) Lack of government schools, colleges and universities We actually do have a lot of government funded schools and colleges. they just have very poor quality of education and hence are not considered at par with the private sector. So instead of quantity talk about quality.
3) Poverty forces the poor children to start working excellent point. We do have a child labour and dropout issue that is very specific to South Asia.

Add more points here like how religious and social barriers prevent female education in many parts of the country, how we have outdated tools and methodologies of teaching and only value a few subjects and fields over others, how our higher education system fails to produce any research or worthy innovation, we also have an adult illiteracy issue, we lack proper vocational and training institutes here too and so on and so forth. These are all inert problems within the system that need to be addressed.

3 remedies to cure the education system of the country
a) Huge amount of resources are required
Too broad. Where to get the resources? there is a need for public-private partnership and more efficiency in utilizing funds we already have.
b) Opening of new educational institutions Focus again on quality NOT quantity.
c) Improvements in educational structure Good point. our education timeline and structure is different from the one followed everywhere else which is just stupid. They are trying to change it though for example recently the phasing out of two years bachelors for four year program (which was followed EVERYWHERE but here)
d) Poverty elevation and incentive programs it should be alleviation not elevation and very good point. There is an example you can put in here about the Oportunidades/Prospera program of Mexico where parents are paid or are given free medical care for sending their children to school. Because most of the people who are poor don't send the children to school even if the tuition is free purely because they need the kids to beg or do manual labour and bring in what money they can so that the family can survive. They don't have an option of sending kids to school when those kids could earn instead. It is a matter of survival for them.

You have a good opening line of your introduction. But I don't exactly follow how you jumped from the new economic and diplomatic war fronts to education. I can make the link but it takes time which an examiner won't bother with. So make it clearer for example add another like between "...are fought on the economic and diplomatic fronts. Similar results are achieved without bloodshed." To gain an advantage in these changing and evolving war-fronts, education is invaluable weapon. "It shows that education has transform the world and Pakistan is not an exception..." You have followed this part with some very specific examples of Singapore and America which is always a good thing to do since it helps paint a picture. You have transitioned then to talking about Pakistan which is done well.

A recommendation i will make is to break this huge paragraph down. It is far too much text to be in one block. You can add the new paragraph from here "Democratic crisis and flaws in judicial system prevails in the country. In addition, unemployment an..." as you start talking about a different point than the sentences before it. Then start a new paragraph again from; " In reality, education is best weapon to deal with the the existing problems of Pakistan. ..." Also remove in contrary from the line after this. it is redundant.

My biggest issue with your introduction is that it reads like a conclusion paragraph after you start talking about the problems in Pakistan. (i.e from here; "Democratic crisis and flaws in judicial system prevails in the country. In addition, unemployment an...") Cut it shorter for the introduction and simply say that;.. we do a lot of problems but the solution for most all of them lies in education. We currently have a lot of specific problems plaguing our education system as well like... but with a renewed vision and willpower exerted in this direction, education can become the key to a better and prosperous future for Pakistan. Something like this. this was just an example, you can phrase it however you like.

You have overall done a very good job handling the topic and have made some excellent points. If you have any questions, ask away. Hope my above comments helped.
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  #134  
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Thank you so much mam for your valuable feedback
Your enlightened knowledge is very helpful
Stay blessed

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  #135  
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"HIGHEST RESULT OF EDUCATION IS TOLERANCE"

I. Introduction
II. How knowledge promotes tolerance in a society?
A. It provides awareness about;
a. Future consequences
of actions, and
b. dangers of intolerance.
B. It gives meaning and purpose
to life through;
a. philosophy,
b. art, and
c. literature.
i. Keats
ii. Shelley
iii. Shah A.
Latif Bhitai
C. It makes a man;
a. Decent,
b. Sensible, and
c. Civilised
D. It promotes;
a. Peace,
b. Justice,
c. Equality, and
d. Brotherhood.
E. It unifies humanity as it
generates ideas in mind
against discrimination on the
basis of;
a. Caste,
b. Creed,
c. Religion, and
d. Race.
F. History teaches as to advocate
Peace with such examples of;
a. The Trojan war,
b. The crusades,
c. Intolerance of religious
demagogues during the
Dark Ages,
d. Sectarianism and
downfall of Islam, and
e. The Darfur issue.
G. Psychology advocates
tolerance as it helps man to
understand;
a. Human behavior, and
b. The psychological
issues or diseases.
H. The knowledge of gender
studies provides insight about;
a. Tolerance to empower
woman, and
b. Encourage gender
equality and discourage
gender based violence.
I. Inventions and discoveries help
in raising human tolerance level;
a. Health sciences
reduced,
i. Diseases,
ii. Infant
mortality rate
iii. Vis a vis
improved
human health
b. Engineering Sciences;
i. Transport,
ii.Communication
c. Information and technology
i. Media, and
ii. Connectedness.
III) Conclusion.


It is a common trend around the globe that people spend couple of decades in educational institutions. Many of them do not know the real essence of education. Knowledge remains useless information unless it is followed by one and applied properly to one's life. The highest result of education is tolerance as the quality of tolerance is acquired only by those who are educated in a true sense. Highly educated people are they who are possess the quality of tolerance. Today, people or nations which are developed, not only because they have worked hard but also because they have the quality to tolerate issues and problems and they kept moving on with all the problems in their past life. A disaster like the US attacked Hiroshima and Nagasaki with atomic bombs was an intolerable event for the subsequent generations, but even then the upcoming generations raised their level of tolerance with the help of education. Resultantly, Japan, a small nation of few islands have become the economic giant of the twenty first century.

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  #136  
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EDUCATION IS NOT SCHOOLING


1) Introduction

Outline

2) How education is different than schooling

2.1) Learning does not depend upon School

- learning can be made from practices
- experience teaches a lot
- persistent practice makes learned

2.2) Education is complete code of life whereas schools educate particular subjects

- character
- respect
- tolerance
- humanity

2.3) Mother is first and best teacher for learning which requires no schooling to transfer knowledge

2.4) Many greatest scientists and inventors are not production of schooling

2.5) Numerous aspirants are competing without attending any formal institutions

2.6) Art of handling different tasks is an education that requires no schooling

- great businessmen
- experienced managers
- wise people facilitate with good ideas

3) Schooling is best platform to acquire education

3.1) It entertains with all educational facilities under one roof
- knowledge
- discipline
- character building
3.2) It is the place where brilliant minds are produced to bring innovations in the world

3.3) It provides platform for social interaction and cultural exchange

3.4) Schooling promotes positivity while discourages ne negativity

3.5) Schools provide diversified knowledge and training

3.6) It is source of job creation and poverty alleviation

3.7) Schooling helps in strengthening socio- economic and political development

3.8) In classrooms healthy competitions are initiated
- beneficial
- infuses hard work
- efficiency and effectiveness

3.9) Institutions research on different aspects of life in future
- future planning
- anticipating risks
- improvements in existing environment

4) Education is the only solution of Pakistan's existing crisis

4.1) It will strengthen democracy

4.2) Education will bring gender equality in the society

4.3) It will help in job creation and poverty reduction

4.4) Higher literacy rate can be helpful in eradication of different kinds of evils

- terrorism
- extremism
- crimes

4.5) Education will ensure socio-economic development of Pakistan

5 Conclusion




Introduction
Education is not only limited to knowledge. It can be concluded as complete code of life. It can be availed from anybody, anywhere at any time. Therefore, schooling is not only education, yet schools are the best place for acquiring it. Education is complete package of knowledge, character, discipline and humanity. Only education has potential to transform the entire life. It forces men to isolate itself from all possible negativities .It enlightens right path. Many guiding lights of the globe had these features without having any formal institutional education. Albert Einstein and Thomas Edison are one of them . They had changed the history of mankind. On the other hand , Schooling is essential in this contemporary world to get education. It guarantees progress and prosperity of the Nations . Infact Pakistan is facing numerous challenges internally and externally . Only education is the way forward for Pakistan to come out of these crisis and compete in the modern world . So, education has become obligatory for the survival in current time. It should be availed to live a happy and better life

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  #137  
Old Monday, September 09, 2019
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Saba Arif View Post
Passive voice u sentence will be used here because object is missing.
So "has been" will be used.
"It / Media has failed to deliver." would be a correct structure instead of "It has been failed to deliver."
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  #138  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Qurban Ali Qureshi View Post
I agreed with @Innocent Hafeez

@Aamish_Bhatti I don't think your suggestions are valid. I think you need to learn more. So please don't misguide her.
@Saba_arif you are going good. Keep it up. You have impressive writing skills and your outline and introduction are up to mark.
A sincere advise is always a great service. Never discourage constructive criticism. Be open to improvement. If you do not point out areas for improvement owing to fear of demotivating a member, you are not being sincere to her/him, for s/he will not overcome shortcomings and will pay a price while taking an exam.

Aamish Bhatti has rightly pointed out most of the weak areas except a few points where Saba Arif is right. Following suggestions of Aamish are more appropriate:

capable to do = capable of doing

Even these machines are more powerful, = These machines are even more powerful than man

for foresee = to foresee

have made swift access = has made access swift

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  #139  
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Originally Posted by Saba Arif View Post
Pakistan not a poor country but poor in management

1. Introduction
2. Potentials of Pakistan which make Pakistan not a poor country.
i. Pakistan the land of four powerful ethnic groups – a challenge to rivals
ii. Pakistan rich in natural and mineral resources
iii. Pakistan the fertile land – a economic potential to export
iv. Pakistan the gateway to Central Asia
v. CPEC- the corridor to Middle East
vi. Pakistan the neighbor of two largest markets of Asia
vii. Some world’s largest glacier are in Pakistan
viii. Northern Area of Pakistan is the tourist place
ix. Young population is a great resource of Pakistan
x. Powerful army is a great challenge to adversaries
xi. Deepest sea routes are in Pakistan
xii. Pakistan is the only Muslim Atomic country

3. Poor management of Pakistan that makes Pakistan poor.
i. Bad Governance
ii. Political Instability
iii. Lack of Accountability
iv. Absence of Rule of Law
v. Lack of far-sighted Financial policies
vi. Lack of literacy and technical education
vii. Lack of true leadership to lead Pakistan
viii. Flawed Foreign Policy to counter national interests worldwide.
ix. Lack of independent judiciary
x. Lack of separation of power
xi. Lack of land and agricultural Reforms
xii. Lack of water reserves to conserve water.
xiii. Lack of long-term energy conservation and production policies
4. Conclusion
2: "Potentials of Pakistan which make Pakistan not a poor country."
Not a suitable sub heading for outline. Think for a better caption.

2(i) : "Pakistan the land of four powerful ethnic groups – a challenge to rivals"

Bad shot, it could knock you out. You are writing on "poverty/richness aspect, poor management" and starting with 'four powerful ethnic groups'!!!!Suicidal start. Seriously, you found it the most relevant and strong opening point for this topic!
Start with the most appropriate and the most powerful / convincing point instead of an irrelevant point which can cost you a paper. Poverty or self sufficiency has a little do with ethnic diversity.

2(ii) : Do you think mineral resources are not natural resources? It shows your lack of understanding. Natural resources include land, rocks, forests, water (ocean, lakes, streams, seas, and rivers), fossil fuel, animals (fish, wild life, and domesticated animals), minerals, sunlight and air etc.

So do not use " Pakistan rich in natural and mineral resources"rather use "Pakistan is rich in natural resources"

2(iii): "Pakistan the fertile land – a economic potential to export"
Do not restrict potential for enhanced exports to only fertility factor. You will find export potential in many areas / resources / services.

2(iv) and 2(vi) : How are these two points different from each other? Don't you think one point is sub-set of other?

2(vii) and 2(viii) : Same as above. Are these two different points? Why don't you emphasize on "Tourism", it will capture all aspects.

2(ix): "Young population is a great resource of Pakistan"

Write it this way 'Edge in population mix' then explain your point in the body of essay by quoting population stats/census, labour force, age bracket etc.

2(x) : "Powerful army is a great challenge to adversaries"
Not a relevant point. You could cover it in a geo-political, geo-strategic area.

2(xii): "Pakistan is the only Muslim Atomic country"

Focus on ' Nuclear Power / Atomic Energy' instead of mentioning 'only Muslim country'


I am stopping here, not touching second part of your outline. You can re-work on the outline to make it meaningful and relevant. Besides, tone in your outline varies, maintain uniformity for standard tone. Outline, is also not in proper order. Some points are misplaced. Re-arrange them in a logical order. Seems, a hurried attempt without giving it second reading before posting here.

Also, post thesis statement, opening para and conclusion so that we can make a fair assessment of essay's salability.
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Old Monday, September 09, 2019
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Originally Posted by darwaesh View Post
"HIGHEST RESULT OF EDUCATION IS TOLERANCE"

I. Introduction
II. How knowledge promotes tolerance in a society?
A. It provides awareness about;
a. Future consequences
of actions, and
b. dangers of intolerance.
B. It gives meaning and purpose
to life through;
a. philosophy,
b. art, and
c. literature.
i. Keats
ii. Shelley
iii. Shah A.
Latif Bhitai
C. It makes a man;
a. Decent,
b. Sensible, and
c. Civilised
D. It promotes;
a. Peace,
b. Justice,
c. Equality, and
d. Brotherhood.
E. It unifies humanity as it
generates ideas in mind
against discrimination on the
basis of;
a. Caste,
b. Creed,
c. Religion, and
d. Race.
F. History teaches as to advocate
Peace with such examples of;
a. The Trojan war,
b. The crusades,
c. Intolerance of religious
demagogues during the
Dark Ages,
d. Sectarianism and
downfall of Islam, and
e. The Darfur issue.
G. Psychology advocates
tolerance as it helps man to
understand;
a. Human behavior, and
b. The psychological
issues or diseases.
H. The knowledge of gender
studies provides insight about;
a. Tolerance to empower
woman, and
b. Encourage gender
equality and discourage
gender based violence.
I. Inventions and discoveries help
in raising human tolerance level;
a. Health sciences
reduced,
i. Diseases,
ii. Infant
mortality rate
iii. Vis a vis
improved
human health
b. Engineering Sciences;
i. Transport,
ii.Communication
c. Information and technology
i. Media, and
ii. Connectedness.
III) Conclusion.


It is a common trend around the globe that people spend couple of decades in educational institutions. Many of them do not know the real essence of education. Knowledge remains useless information unless it is followed by one and applied properly to one's life. The highest result of education is tolerance as the quality of tolerance is acquired only by those who are educated in a true sense. Highly educated people are they who are possess the quality of tolerance. Today, people or nations which are developed, not only because they have worked hard but also because they have the quality to tolerate issues and problems and they kept moving on with all the problems in their past life. A disaster like the US attacked Hiroshima and Nagasaki with atomic bombs was an intolerable event for the subsequent generations, but even then the upcoming generations raised their level of tolerance with the help of education. Resultantly, Japan, a small nation of few islands have become the economic giant of the twenty first century.

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